I’m a practicing Roman Catholic and have been for my whole life. I spent only two years in parochial school (grades 2 and 3) but received religious education via CCD programs through 8th grade. As a kid I was an altar server. During college I started questioning my faith. Was there a God? Was this God a good God? It is difficult, at times, to be both a man of science and a man of God. Clearly, some of the things that I was learning about in my science courses conflicted with the teachings in the Bible. It brought me to a crossroads. I stood there for a very long time. I asked myself a lot of questions.
How can religion and science coexist when science teaches the proven theory of evolution while religion teachers the concept of creation. This one bothered me for a while. Honestly, I guess I still believe there to be more accuracy in the New Testament than the Old, mostly because the Old Testament takes place over a much greater span of time so there is more reason for inaccuracy and “filling in the squares.” I came to the conclusion that God’s span of time is not like ours, so His day for creating man could equate to thousands of years worth of earth evolution.
I was also conflicted about the discrepancies of teachings between Catholicism and other Christian faiths. For example, Catholics pray to saints while most other forms of Christianity do not. Are we wrong for doing this? Are we worshipping someone besides God? Well, no. Again, the concept of time in heaven is far different than that on earth. If we ask a Saint to pray for us, they have an unlimited amount of “earth time” to do so. We don’t, so it’s not really a bad thing to ask for a little help from above.
I could go on about these issues, but I think two should suffice. You may be asking yourself, why even believe in God? The existence of God cannot be proven, while the existence of science can. Personally, I believe that they can co-exist. And, of course, I don’t hold the magic to prove the existence of God. I can’t; nobody can. But that’s one of the reasons that God is special. It takes effort on your part to believe in Him. You’d be a fool not to believe that the ocean exists, right? So yes, we all believe that the ocean exists. There’s nothing special about that belief. But with God, you are throwing your trust out there, you are willing to accept and believe in something that only works indirectly. There’s a comfort associated with taking that leap of faith. Believing isn’t easy, but the rewards are bountiful. That’s how I see it.
You could also take the cynic’s approach: Well I don’t know if God exists but I guess I’ll believe. I’d rather die and find out I’m wrong, than live my life however I want and find out at the end that God is real. Sure, that’s a valid way of looking at things, and is probably better than not believing, but the heart really isn’t in it here. You can’t get a lot out of it if you’re not putting much in. Like the Beatles said, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” That applies here just as much. Sure you might get yourself to heaven, but you’re going to have a tough time of it on the way.
I can speak about this, because this is the approach that I took during my questioning phase. I went to church, I said the occasional rosary, but I never really felt connected. God seemed to be a distant monolith that had too much to do to worry about something as miniscule as the goings on in my life. I didn’t feel able to converse with God. For a while I even started wondering, if this God of ours is a bad God. If you have this person, God, who is all powerful, he could be a maniacal being who is having fun playing God and showing us mimed compassion while he inflicts torture on the planet. If you ever pick up a newspaper and read about what is going on in the world, this wouldn’t be a hard thing to think of, especially if you were already questioning everything.
Luckily for me, in the last few years I’ve grown out of this. I started to really believe, but I still wasn’t getting much out of it. I’d try praying, but I was never really successful. It felt like talking to a wall. All my praying really amounted to was me thanking God for my blessings. I’ve always been afraid to ask Him for anything. He’s given me a lot already; what right do I have to ask for more? What right do I have to ask for something for myself while there are children starving in Africa? For years I asked God for nothing. Recently, I’ve started praying daily, visiting the church adoration chapel for reflection, and just kind of sitting in the sanctuary. I’ve really tried to let my walls and inhibitions down and let me heart speak freely. It has worked wonders for me. I’ve asked for strength to overcome my issues. I’ve asked God to help me carry the load so that I can focus on improving myself. I’ve asked for forgiveness and for the ability to forgive myself. After a while I began to feel like the blackness that was plaguing me was falling away. I feel light again. It’s magnificent. I’m very thankful for these blessings. I certainly will no longer have any issues really exposing my heart to God.
I also like to visit my Grandparents grave site once a week (it was usually years between visits). My grandfather was 16 when he lied about his age to join the Navy to fight in World War II. He came back and worked his way through the ranks of the Philadelphia Fire Department retiring as a captain. He died when I was six, so my memories of him are a little hazy, but he was a man of great strength. Everybody that talks about him speaks of how strong he was, both physically and mentally. I just kind of sit there any talk and hope that he is listening. I ask him to help keep me strong. My grandmother died when I was 13. Luckily I have great memories of her. When I was very small she bought two picture atlases, one for me and one for her. She’d call me and we would both open our atlases to the same page and take trips around the various countries. It’s what got me interested in learning. I owe my grandmother a tremendous debt. She was fun, probably the most fun person I’ve ever met. I used to love watching her and her friends sit around the table, drink coffee, and laugh. All they would do was laugh. I ask her to help keep me lighthearted. That is when I excel; I am best when I am lighthearted.
So now when I pray, I thank God for my blessings, I ask him for my intentions, and then I ask him questions. I don’t have this faith thing fully figured out. Who does? My biggest question and one that has been very relevant to me recently is the subject of fate. You hear people say things like, “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a reason for everything.” I believe this. There is also destiny. You are destined for your career. You are destined to find “the one,” fall in love, and get married. Is there a one? Is there a predetermined person? I tend to think so. Or at least that’s what I’ve gotten from watching Say Anything too many times in high school. But God also gives us free will. So how do free will and fate work hand in hand? I haven’t figured that out yet. If God has a plan for us, but gives us free will, we could possibly act in a way different than his will. Let’s use romance as an example as it is easy for everybody to comprehend. If person X and person Y are meant to be together (as determined by a higher power) and person X decides that person Y isn’t right, he may wind up choosing person Z. Now person Z and person F were meant to be together, but at a later time. Z, being unaware that fate had slated F for them decides that person Y is pretty groovy. They get married. Now what is person F supposed to do? See what I mean here. This starts a chain reaction that would throw of the balance of fate. That is unless fate had predetermined this all along. In that case, the free will is gone and we are a slave to fate.
As far as I can think, I’d guess that fate dictates that X and Y are supposed to be together. That is fate. If X chooses not to be with Y, he has chosen to step outside of fate’s bounds. Now as X approaches Z, he is attempting to pull Z out of her own bounds of fate. Perhaps she won’t go? Or perhaps it will be hard for her? Possibly F will come into the picture sooner than expected in fate’s last ditch effort to remain relevant. I guess that’s what fate does. Fate shifts to try to remain relevant. But I don’t really know. I don’t know if fate or free will or stronger. That’s why I’m going to keep praying.
I find prayer to be very helpful in keeping us strong from temptation as well. I believe in the Father of Lies, and that he is attempting, at all times, to lead us astray from the truth. From what I see in today’s society, I think that he is doing a very good job. It’s a scary thing to face. I stood face to face with him once. It was a terrifying experience. Luckily, my faith allowed me to overcome. But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t still trying to get me, you, and everybody else. That’s his goal. His deception is so great that he makes his world seem appealing. It isn’t. It puts blackness on your soul, and prevents you from seeing the truth. I urge you to really think about this, and really try to keep your life on the straight and narrow. If you’ve already fallen off, really think about the benefits where you are now. What is it really getting you? How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
A lot of people seem to fall away from religion when things get rough. “Oh yeah, God? Well where are you now? Why have you forsaken me?” Things do get rough. That’s the time when it is most critical to have a relationship with God. Let God help you through it. Everybody has a cross to bear. You can do it on your own, or you can do it with some help. He will help. He has helped me.
I understand that religion is a sensitive topic. It’s a topic that I’ve never spoken publicly about before (unless asked). It has always been a very personal thing for me. I hate when people try to shove their opinions down my throat, so I am unwilling to do that to others. I respect the religious beliefs of everybody, no matter how much they differ from mine. I don’t believe that members of other religions, agnostics, and atheists will all go to hell. A benevolent God would not do that. I think that the key to heaven lies more in the way that a person carries themselves on this planet rather than what building they walk into, if any, on the Sabbath. Some of you reading this assume that I am crazy for believing what I do. I respect that as well.
I can tell you that my relationship with God has brought me many blessings. My relationship hasn’t always been strong. In fact it got down right rocky there for a while. Like all relationships, troubles arise. They may crush you. But if you have the strength, faith, and resolve to work through it, the relationship will only be stronger on the other side. The continuing struggle to get through issues will result in an unbreakable bond. This is when your love grows into a superpower. Like all relationships, it is a two way street. God gives to us, and we in turn give to God. If it was totally one sided, it wouldn’t be very fulfilling. It may be hard to be humble enough to give it a try, but it is so worth it. I have and now I feel like a new man. I open my eyes and see the world with complete clarity. I never feel alone. Doesn’t that sound good? I wrote this on my blog (you didn’t have to read it if you didn’t want to). I won’t start knocking on your door to speak to you. But if anybody ever wishes to talk about this stuff, please feel free to let me know. God Bless.
