Tonight, I took a cup of Earl Grey to the porch to watch the thunderstorm pass through town. It was a good one. I snapped the above photo around 9:20pm. The sky was lit up every few seconds; pretty awe inspiring. A storm is a release of energy; energy that is built up way above our heads. There is a buildup of static electricity caused by the difference in charge of various clouds. There is also a great deal of potential energy in the moisture that is just waiting to get heavy enough to fall on us. It's pretty neat if you think about it. We can see the storm coming. We can watch the cumulonimbus clouds get taller and darker. We are all familiar with the foreboding look of the storm clouds rolling in. It can be bright and sunny in the daytime, but a few hours later, nature shows us her power. The plants get watered, the streets flood, old trees fall down -- it's just part of nature's cycle. For a few hours we experience nature in total chaos.
When we wake up the next morning, the sun is shining through our blinds. The storm is gone and the sun has returned. Our yard was lucky. But as we drive to the diner to get breakfast we see the lasting impact of the storm. Trees have fallen on people's cars, the old bridge on the way out of town has finally been washed out, trash cans are strewn in the neighbor's yards. It looks bad, but at least the grass got watered. I feel that this is fairly similar to the role anger plays in our lives.
Everybody gets angry. Most of the time, we get angry because some injustice has been served against us (or at least we perceive it that way). Sometimes, we are just in a bad mood about something else, so we use anger as a means to let off some steam (this really stinks for the person on the receiving end). I've been known to have a short temper. A lot of that stems from a lack of patience. I expect everybody to be at the same level of comprehension on a topic that I am. This is wrong, I know that. So there is my biggest catalyst for anger. Everybody has one. But why do these things trigger our emotions to heat up? Generally the situations that make us angry also make us uncomfortable. It's not a position that we want to be in. In these situations, it is very difficult to show compassion and understanding. There have already been some indications that this is a situation that is going to lead us to some sort of pain. Of course we could try to approach these situations constructively, but that would require a lot of strength on our part. Most of the time, we aren't willing to risk it. We've all been slammed by something when we let our guard down -- it hurts. It's much easier to throw up a defense mechanism. That's what anger is -- a defense mechanism. Anger, like adrenaline gives us added strength. Angry Bob is much tougher than Happy Bob. Angry Bob is on the offensive, ready to strike at anyone who comes near his comfort zone. Nobody can possible get inside when Angry Bob is standing guard at the gates to the heart. Angry Bob is hurting, and will use his anger to bring others down to his level. Shame on Angry Bob, right?
Anger also rears it's head in the realm of escapism. Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that we have no control over. As much as we fight, we cannot change the outcome. We feel completely and totally helpless. Helplessness is weak; we don't want to feel weak. Instead we get angry, we fester over something that we have no control over. This is a waste time, this is bad. Anger must always be bad.
Well, anger isn't always a bad thing. When an adult gets angry with a child this helps the child understand that what he has done is unacceptable. It's a bit of a scare tactic, but it is effective. The same applies for the disgruntled boss who uses anger as a tool to motivate his employees. Fear is one of anger's tools. Nobody likes being on the receiving end of anger, so they will adapt their being to avoid it whenever possible. More rudimentary: anger is a feeling that we are going to experience. It would be wrong of us to try to eradicate this feeling. It's part of human nature. The more important thing is to try to control it.
Controlling anger is not easy. Most of the time we let it stay with us. This is when we develop grudges, vengeful ideas, and become cynical. This is so unhealthy. Even when the storm passes and the chaos is gone, the damage still remains. Like the fallen tree, the damage that our anger has done to ourselves and others will remain until we do something to clean it up. This "clean up" comes in the form of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the accepting and letting go of the damage that anger has caused. Forgiveness is understanding; understanding that the world is not perfect and that mistakes will be made. Sometimes forgiveness is being able to let go of damage that was caused intentionally. That's right, forgiveness doesn't have to wait for the source of the damage to apologize. Sometimes it never will. I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes a few months ago where a man was recently freed from prison after spending years behind bars for a rape that he didn't commit. The accuser lied to enter a lawsuit and make profit. She won. Even after the truth was brought to light, the accuser would not apologize to the innocent man. Her gravy train had derailed and she was angry. Yet, somehow, that man was able to forgive her. She has absolutely no remorse for what she did, but the man still forgave her. Why?
Sure, when we forgive someone, it is a relief to them (if they are sorry). More importantly, forgiveness helps us! Forgiveness allows us to release the stored anger from our souls before it weighs us down. It allows us to leave the past behind us and continue our journey forward. I want to be clear here that I'm not talking about forgetting. The phrase "forgive and forget" is idiotic. You should forgive, but you shouldn't forget. Every single thing that happens to us during our lives serves to help define us. To try to forget something means that you are trying to erase part of our definition. That's not very smart either. You have to remember what you are forgiving. You need to still use that to guide you in future decision making. Forgiving means that you are turning over your anger and hostility to make room for positive energy, but you still should take care to make sure that the same thing that caused the anger in the first place isn't repeated. Sometimes you need to walk away form something. You can forgive and still walk away. But sometimes the person you are forgiving (others or yourself) can be greater than their mistakes and you may want to address the mistakes and work through them rather than walking away. It's not always to choose. Always remember that forgiveness is meant to benefit you first.
Anger is mostly bad, forgiveness is mostly good. They are things that we are going to constantly face when dealing with other people. We will also come face to face with anger and, hopefully, forgiveness within our own beings.
We all let ourselves down. Maybe we cut corners. Maybe we went against our moral code. Maybe we hurt a loved one. Maybe we let fear get the best of us. Whatever the case, we will get angry at ourselves. There will be times when it will be hard for us to even look in the mirror. We know ourselves better than anyone, so it will hurt most when we wrong ourselves. We don't have to hold back; we don't have to try to see it from another point of view. We can be the harshest judges of our misdoings. It is also very difficult to apologize and to forgive ourselves. Instead we can let it stew inside, filling us with blackness. We can wind up letting things that happened years ago interfere with our current lives. This is such a shame.
By constantly punishing ourselves we are stunting our opportunity for growth. The world is too blurry to keep our eye on the prize so we just kind of wander around. We are wasting our precious time. We are also letting that emotion rub off on those around us. That's not fair. It is imperative that we forgive ourselves for our past mistakes. Once we do this we reach a plateau of clarity. This will allow us to finally grow again. Like I said before, you shouldn't forget what you've done, but you should use it to make you a better person. You can beat your own mistakes, and when you do, you'll be stronger than ever.
Sometimes it's hard to admit things to yourself and to others. One thing that I've found particularly helpful is to write letters. I've written letters to myself and to others that I have absolutely no intention of sending. Normally I'll tear them up immediately or throw them out when things come together, but I've kept some of the more important ones. Like writing in this blog, they can serve as a reminder for us when we ever doubt ourselves. It's very effective; you may want to try it sometime. By the end of it, you might just feel a little better.
No comments:
Post a Comment