I like myself, generally. I'm a happy guy. I'm a human and, therefore, I'm fallible. I had an epiphany the other night. I was standing at the base of my stairs, just staring at my grandfather clock (wrote about this a few days ago -- go catch up and come back) on my way to fetch a glass of water. I hadn't been able to sleep for hours. Instead I was thinking about the last month or so, wondering how things would have turned out had I done things differently. As per usual with sleepless concern, my mind then went down the road of examining every single possible future outcome that could make things worse than they are here and now. Anyway, while staring at that clock I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. "Who the heck am I?" I thought to myself. I felt like a stranger inside of my own body. Earlier that day I had been talking to a friend whom I had upset, without realizing that by not giving them space, I was only upsetting them more. How could I not see that? I probably could have, and should have. That's not the kind of person that I am. It was selfish of me.
I went back to bed and kept thinking; trying to figure out how I got to where I was. I did some things in high school that made some people pretty upset. It doesn't bother me now, but it did for a very long time. When I went away to school this stuff was weighing pretty heavy on my mind. It didn't help that I was suddenly challenged academically for the first time in my life. I felt like I wasn't smart because things weren't coming as easy for me. As a defence mechanism, I adopted my personality to be that of the funny party guy. I always had jokes, I could chug beers faster than anybody, I was dumb. It gave me relief for a while, but it's hard to get out from under an identity like that, even when it no longer makes you feel any better. I partied too much. I allowed acting like a clown to a release for me. This was so different than how I felt inside, but there wasn't any use stopping it. I don't want this to sound like I had a drinking problem -- I didn't. This is concerning the way I acted. Nonetheless, people got the wrong idea about me and, at the same time, I began to actually believe that I wasn't smart.
This behaviour was unjustified. I felt like I was letting myself down, but I didn't have any self confidence so there didn't really seem to be anything to do about it. I had just adopted this mentality. The mentality of a coward. It would really bum me out to see little kids playing. Seeing the innocence of children served as constant reminder to me about how I had let myself down and sacrificed my own innocence for nothing.
I was in a bad spot. My self confidence was shot. This affected my personal, professional, and scholastic lives. I was too afraid to take a stand for myself. I was afraid that people wouldn't like me if I was more assertive and used my brain. I think a lot. I always have. When I'm deep in thought people often say to me, "Hey, come on John, smile." "Are you okay?" I hate that. Just because I am deep in thought doesn't mean that I am unhappy. Often times I am happy, I'm just thinking. Still it served as another barrier from trying to break away from my identity.
Somewhere along the line I developed a mindset that I not only could but HAD to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Perhaps I was just too embarrassed to admit my shortcomings to others. Like I said, I'm not good at being open about this stuff. When problems would arise, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just hold everything in and carry on. Eventually the pressure becomes too great, and I decide to run. Again like a coward. I desperately seek the approval of others and often screw things up when I'm trying to gain that approval. I don't care for conflict. I really dislike saying no. Often time I try to save two things at once. This generally amounts to me putting off actually dealing with them until the pressure becomes to great. I snap, make a rash decision and wing up losing one if not both of the things I set out to save. Not an admirable trait. It makes me act like a fool. It caused me to lose one of my closest friends. It was all my fault. Worst of all it could have all been avoided if I had the courage to believe in myself. Remember that even your strongest beliefs can be compromised if you don't believe in yourself. That is the foundation. With a weak foundation even the strongest buildings will fall.
The reader (you) might be thinking to yourself, "Why the heck is this guy telling us all of this junk?" The answer is simple, because these are part of the things that make me who I am. I told you that I had an epiphany. That's what it was! I realized how messed up I had been acting. That's not who I am. I'm not a coward. I'm not a creep. Please take a moment to read this poem before we continue.
"If" by Rudyard Kipling. This is the poem that I told myself as a young man would serve as a reference for what I wanted to represent as a man. When things got tough, I'd read this poem and use it to regain strength and composure. I had a copy of it hanging on my wall in college. I guess I didn't read it much. I have now.
I feel reborn. I am not a coward, I am not a jerk. I am not a man who runs from his problems. I am an intellectual. The pursuit of knowledge is a quest that I will continue until I pass from this earth. I am a romantic. I want to love and share with someone who wants to do the same with me. I am a crusader for my beliefs. I will not compromise those beliefs for anyone or anything. I am a man who takes advice from his friends, but ultimately follows the mantra "to thine own self be true." I am not a man who spends his time chugging beers and eating cheesesteaks every single day. I am a man who will have command of his body, and will train it to serve his bidding. I will be in the best physical shape of my life. I am not a man who comes home from work and watches TV until bed time. I am a man who will use that time to better himself -- to write, to learn, to grow. I will fight for what is right.
I've made mistakes. I just made a huge one. I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, lonely.... the list goes on. But I'll tell you all something. Moping around in my own self pity won't make anything better. Listening to my "sad song" playlist isn't going to make things any better. What I have done, I have done. Like I said in an earlier post: you can't get back the time that has passed. You can't undo your decisions. We are given the freedom to make our own decisions. This is a wonderful gift, but it comes at a price. We NEED to be responsible, and really think things out. Our decisions do not only affect us, but those around us. We need to take this into consideration. But once they've been made all we can do is move forward. Never, ever forget what you have done. Don't dwell on it. What is the use of dwelling on something that you can't change? Use it. Let it feed your desire to better yourself. Make your mistakes the fodder of your growth so that you don't make them again.
I've had to pay a terrible price for this realization. Epiphanies seem to come around later than we would like them to. But there is some light at the end of the tunnel here. How can you define "too late?" You can't. Not when you're looking into the future anyway. The future is totally unwritten. Your future is what you make it. Sure you can't control what others are going to do, but that shouldn't bother you anyway. All you can do is be yourself, and have faith in the rest.
I find prayers to be very helpful. I've been spending a lot of time in church lately praying and reflecting. I've also started asking God for help with things (something I've felt a little sheepish about doing in the past). His ear has provided me great solace. My mind feels sharper now than it has in the last 8 years. I honestly feel like a new man. Not a new man, but an enhanced version of myself. I can see the light. Of course this is only the beginning of my journey. I don't expect to have this baggage dropped away in a few weeks. But now I believe in myself 100%. Between that and having God on my side, I can't lose.
I am going to storm my upcoming challenges. I am going to fight for what is right. I am going to push myself to get stronger and stronger. I am going to work to reclaim the things that I have lost as a result of my weakness.
If any of you think that I won't be able to do this, I have two words for you:
watch me.
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