Conflict Resolution Part Two: Weathering the Storm

Sometimes, when conflict arises, we find the best thing to do is nothing.  This is what we call "weathering the storm."  When conflict arises we just hold in there and hope that things pass.  All things must pass, right?  This is the most passive method of conflict resolution.  There are two ways that the conflict will end here. Either the conflict will resolve itself, or someone else will resolve it.

It may be best to just let the conflict take care of itself.  Take, for instance, a case where one is trying to get their college degree.  School is expensive so they need to take a job to afford tuition.  The combination of work and school gives them absolutely no free time to join that competitive backgammon league.  Despite things being difficult, there really isn't any good solution to allow the student to do all three things.  The best thing to do is just "hang in there."  Time will pass and the situation will resolve itself. The young student will have plenty of time someday to play backgammon.  For now it's best to just stick with the things that are a higher priority.

Other times we can't resolve the conflict.  Our conflict may be driven by somebody else's issues.  Perhaps we have a conflict with a friend.  That friend is going through some stuff which is carrying over into our relationship.  We can't solve our friend's problems.  Our friend has to solve his own problems.  We may decide that we just want to "hang in there" until things get better.  If we have faith in our friend, this shouldn't be too difficult.  This doesn't mean that we should just sit there idle. We can help our friend the best we can.  We can be supportive.  This can be difficult for us to handle because we do not have any control over the resolution of this conflict.  We have to rely on somebody else's strength.  Therefore, if the conflict can't be resolved it is important to understand that it is not our fault.  We hung in there as long as we could.  At some point we have to pack it in.  How far ahead that is depends on both our inner strength and our desire to keep holding on.

Conflict Resolution Part One: Fighting

Here is a definition for conflict.  We can see that conflict may occur between groups of people, between individuals, and within one's self.  Basically, conflict is born from disagreement or a lack of clarity.  It's often hard to handle.  The way I see it, there are four main ways to address conflict.

The first method would be to fight.   Fighting is the most aggressive method to seek conflict resolution.  It's easiest to do this when our conflict exists between us and an outside source.  Perhaps we are placed in a situation where we disagree with a friend or coworker.  Our opinion of the situation is different than theirs.  We believe strongly in our feelings; this gives us confidence.  With this confidence, we strive to produce change that will, in turn, resolve the conflict.  Mostly, the change comes in the form of convincing the other party that we are right.  We can attack from a factual point of view in which we try to teach the other party that they are missing part of the big picture.  If we can convince the other party of these facts, they will have little choice but to come over to our side.  Conflict resolved.  It isn't always, or often, that easy.  More times that not, we have to fight with emotion.  This takes the battle from the objective to the subjective.  Things are no longer as clear cut.  Apologies often come in the form of the emotional fight.  We've done wrong; we're sorry, we beg for forgiveness.  Or perhaps we have realized the error of our ways and fight to prove that things are different now.  In each case, the other party in the conflict is still left with a choice, after all evidence has been presented, as to whether or not they will forgive you. It isn't a clear cut, factual case, so after presenting our emotions, we must wait for the other party to use theirs and come to a decision. 

Sometimes, we win the fight, sometimes we lose.  After presenting fact, our coworker may realize that it wasn't us that drank the Fresca that clearly had his name on it.  Score.  Maybe after presenting our emotional case, our friend will say, "the bridge has been burned too much to rebuild."  After learning of our loss we can do one of two things:  fight harder or cease fighting.  For those of us filled with self confidence, the natural response is to fight harder.  We can win anything if we work hard enough (perhaps a result of still getting trophies even though our little league team finished in last place).  We will adjust our argument and try again.  We believe so strongly in to so why wouldn't they?  We can keep doing this until either the other party yields or we drive ourselves mad.  The more we are on the losing end of the fight, the more it consumes us.  But if we win, it feels pretty damn good.  That being said, you must be extremely sure that you really need, what you are fighting for and are prepared to win. If you don't you might wind up just burning the bridge even more.

All fights are two sided (even if they are between ourselves).  Conflict can't exist without a difference of opinion.  Sometimes, we are on the other end of things.  Somebody is fighting to change our opinion.  It is very important that we listen to ourselves and really reflect on their case before making judgement.  Sometimes we have to yield to them.  This is especially difficult as it feels like a shot to our pride.  If the other party is right, it is the only fair thing to do.  Harder still, we may have to stick to our guns.  Despite a good argument being made (we may even want the the other party to win)  if our beliefs are still telling us differently, we have to listen to ourselves.  In this situation, the other party's victory does not come from his convincing us to believe him; it comes from him convincing us to change our thoughts.  Ultimately, that is what we have to listen to -- us.  

Sometimes it's best to stop fighting.  This will show up in the latter parts of this segment, so I won't get into too much detail.  Sometimes we have to examine what this fight is doing.  Who are we fighting?  Are we hurting the other party?  Are we hurting ourselves?  Like any fight, there is an acceptable casualty limit.  We have to admit to both ourselves and the other party when we've lost.  Acceptance can be hard sometimes.  But it is through this acceptance, that we are able to grow and develop.  A regrouping of our metaphorical army.  There is always still hope down the road that the fight can be won.  Or at least we can do what we can to end the conflict within ourselves;  we can reach our own, small, personal resolution.  This will allow us to focus on other things, but still always carry a little bit of that fight in us --just in case.  Above all, the best advice here is:  Get it right the first time and you won't have to enter this realm of uncertainty.  

Stormy Weather: Anger and Forgiveness

Tonight, I took a cup of Earl Grey to the porch to watch the thunderstorm pass through town.  It was a good one.  I snapped the above photo around 9:20pm.  The sky was lit up every few seconds; pretty awe inspiring.  A storm is a release of energy; energy that is built up way above our heads.  There is a buildup of static electricity caused by the difference in charge of various clouds.  There is also a great deal of potential energy in the moisture that is just waiting to get heavy enough to fall on us.  It's pretty neat if you think about it.  We can see the storm coming.  We can watch the cumulonimbus clouds get taller and darker.  We are all familiar with the foreboding look of the storm clouds rolling in.  It can be bright and sunny in the daytime, but a few hours later, nature shows us her power.  The plants get watered, the streets flood, old trees fall down -- it's just part of nature's cycle.   For a few hours we experience nature in total chaos.

When we wake up the next morning,  the sun is shining through our blinds.  The storm is gone and the sun has returned.  Our yard was lucky.  But as we drive to the diner to get breakfast we see the lasting impact of the storm.  Trees have fallen on people's cars, the old bridge on the way out of town has finally been washed out, trash cans are strewn in the neighbor's yards.  It looks bad, but at least the grass got watered.  I feel that this is fairly similar to the role anger plays in our lives.

Everybody gets angry.  Most of the time, we get angry because some injustice has been served against us (or at least we perceive it that way).  Sometimes, we are just in a bad mood about something else, so we use anger as a means to let off some steam (this really stinks for the person on the receiving end).  I've been known to have a short temper.  A lot of that stems from a lack of patience.  I expect everybody to be at the same level of comprehension on a topic that I am.  This is wrong, I know that.  So there is my biggest catalyst for anger.  Everybody has one.  But why do these things trigger our emotions to heat up?  Generally the situations that make us angry also make us uncomfortable.  It's not a position that we want to be in.  In these situations, it is very difficult to show compassion and understanding.  There have already been some indications that this is a situation that is going to lead us to some sort of pain.  Of course we could try to approach these situations constructively, but that would require a lot of strength on our part.  Most of the time, we aren't willing to risk it.  We've all been slammed by something when we let our guard down -- it hurts.  It's much easier to throw up a defense mechanism.  That's what anger is -- a defense mechanism.  Anger, like adrenaline gives us added strength.  Angry Bob is much tougher than Happy Bob. Angry Bob is on the offensive, ready to strike at anyone who comes near his comfort zone.  Nobody can possible get inside when Angry Bob is standing guard at the gates to the heart.  Angry Bob is hurting, and will use his anger to bring others down to his level.  Shame on Angry Bob, right?

Anger also rears it's head in the realm of escapism.  Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that we have no control over.  As much as we fight, we cannot change the outcome.  We feel completely and totally helpless.  Helplessness is weak; we don't want to feel weak.  Instead we get angry, we fester over something that we have no control over.  This is a waste time, this is bad.  Anger must always be bad.

Well, anger isn't always a bad thing.  When an adult gets angry with a child this helps the child understand that what he has done is unacceptable.  It's a bit of a scare tactic, but it is effective.  The same applies for the disgruntled boss who uses anger as a tool to motivate his employees.  Fear is one of anger's tools.  Nobody likes being on the receiving end of anger, so they will adapt their being to avoid it whenever possible.  More rudimentary:  anger is a feeling that we are going to experience.  It would be wrong of us to try to eradicate this feeling.  It's part of human nature.  The more important thing is to try to control it.

Controlling anger is not easy.  Most of the time we let it stay with us.  This is when we develop grudges, vengeful ideas, and become cynical.  This is so unhealthy.  Even when the storm passes and the chaos is gone, the damage still remains.  Like the fallen tree, the damage that our anger has done to ourselves and others will remain until we do something to clean it up.  This "clean up" comes in the form of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the accepting and letting go of the damage that anger has caused.  Forgiveness is understanding; understanding that the world is not perfect and that mistakes will be made.  Sometimes forgiveness is being able to let go of damage that was caused intentionally.  That's right,  forgiveness doesn't have to wait for the source of the damage to apologize.  Sometimes it never will.  I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes a few months ago where a man was recently freed from prison after spending years behind bars for a rape that he didn't commit.  The accuser lied to enter a lawsuit and make profit.  She won.  Even after the truth was brought to light, the accuser would not apologize to the innocent man.  Her gravy train had derailed and she was angry.  Yet, somehow, that man was able to forgive her.  She has absolutely no remorse for what she did, but the man still forgave her.  Why?

Sure, when we forgive someone, it is a relief to them (if they are sorry).  More importantly, forgiveness helps us!  Forgiveness allows us to release the stored anger from our souls before it weighs us down.  It allows us to leave the past behind us and continue our journey forward.  I want to be clear here that I'm not talking about forgetting.  The phrase "forgive and forget" is idiotic.  You should forgive, but you shouldn't forget.  Every single thing that happens to us during our lives serves to help define us.  To try to forget something means that you are trying to erase part of our definition.  That's not very smart either.  You have to remember what you are forgiving.  You need to still use that to guide you in future decision making.  Forgiving means that you are turning over your anger and hostility to make room for positive energy, but you still should take care to make sure that the same thing that caused the anger in the first place isn't repeated.  Sometimes you need to walk away form something.  You can forgive and still walk away.  But sometimes the person you are forgiving (others or yourself) can be greater than their mistakes and you may want to address the mistakes and work through them rather than walking away.  It's not always to choose.  Always remember that forgiveness is meant to benefit you first.

Anger is mostly bad, forgiveness is mostly good.  They are things that we are going to constantly face when dealing with other people.  We will also come face to face with anger and, hopefully, forgiveness within our own beings.

We all let ourselves down.  Maybe we cut corners.  Maybe we went against our moral code.  Maybe we hurt a loved one.  Maybe we let fear get the best of us.  Whatever the case, we will get angry at ourselves.  There will be times when it will be hard for us to even look in the mirror.  We know ourselves better than anyone, so it will hurt most when we wrong ourselves.  We don't have to hold back; we don't have to try to see it from another point of view.  We can be the harshest judges of our misdoings.  It is also very difficult to apologize and to forgive ourselves.  Instead we can let it stew inside, filling us with blackness.  We can wind up letting things that happened years ago interfere with our current lives.  This is such a shame.

By constantly punishing ourselves we are stunting our opportunity for growth.  The world is too blurry to keep our eye on the prize so we just kind of wander around.  We are wasting our precious time.  We are also letting that emotion rub off on those around us.  That's not fair.  It is imperative that we forgive ourselves for our past mistakes.  Once we do this we reach a plateau of clarity.  This will allow us to finally grow again.  Like I said before, you shouldn't forget what you've done, but you should use it to make you a better person.  You can beat your own mistakes, and when you do, you'll be stronger than ever.

Sometimes it's hard to admit things to yourself and to others.  One thing that I've found particularly helpful is to write letters.  I've written letters to myself and to others that I have absolutely no intention of sending. Normally I'll tear them up immediately or throw them out when things come together, but I've kept some of the more important ones.  Like writing in this blog, they can serve as a reminder for us when we ever doubt ourselves.  It's very effective; you may want to try it sometime.  By the end of it, you might just feel a little better.

Cowardice, Laziness, and Complacency

Fear is a part of life.  We've all felt it.  Most days we face adversities; some of which are bigger than others.  Everybody feels fear.  There is nothing wrong with fear.  In fact, fear can be good.  Fear can serve as a motivator for us.  Conquering our fears can lead to a major rush and also help to strengthen our self confidence.  For instance, when somebody who is afraid of heights jumps out of an airplane for the first time, they feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment.  Adrenaline is flowing.  When they land they feel like they are the kings and queens of the sky.  Sometimes when we are feeling fear, we stop and think about what we are doing.  A risk analysis if you will. After thinking it over we may say to ourselves, "Self, this isn't a good idea.  Sure, my friends really think it would be cool if I could jump from my roof into the pool, but I'd really not like to break my legs."  This is being smart.  This is us listening to our fears, and helping them to lead us to logical decisions.  So far so good.  

But fear can lead to cowardice.  Cowardice is when we are afraid of the outcome of something, so we don't do it.  We are afraid to fail. Cowardice is present when the man doesn't try to run a marathon because he is afraid he will look stupid if he can't finish.  Cowardice is present when we don't speak our mind because we're afraid people won't like what we have to say.  This isn't good.  Cowardice stems from a lack of self confidence.  We need to overcome these fears, to really achieve.

Laziness doesn't have any good aspects.  Laziness comes about from boredom, and apathy.  We find ourselves in a funk where laying around seems to be the better choice compared towards working to better ourselves.  Laziness comes from a lack of self discipline.  Of course it's easier to stay inside and watch movies on that rainy Sunday.  You could go to the gym, but you worked hard all week and you deserve some time to relax.  This isn't too bad really.  We all need relaxing time. But when this becomes the majority of the time,we are lazy.  We don't care enough to push ourselves.  It could even be said that our cowardice feeds our laziness.  When afraid of failure, it's easier to not even try.  This is laziness isn't it?  Isn't that what we do when we decide to watch Matlock all day?  

What do you get when you put cowardice and laziness together?  Complacency.  Basically, when we become complacent, we train our minds to accept our current situation.  We are too afraid, and too lazy to change our situation so we just tell ourselves, "Self, you don't have it so bad."  When you're complacent, you aren't sad or depressed.  You also aren't fulfilled.  There is just enough satisfaction to keep our living conditions and mindset acceptable.  This is so wrong.

Each and every day is a gift.  We need to use it to better ourselves.  Complacency is the mind's pariah.  Complacency is the biggest killer of our dreams.  We are afraid of failure.  It will be hard to put in enough work to get what we want.  So let's just convince ourselves that where we are now is fine.  How ludicrous is that?  I get it.  It is very EASY to fall into the trap complacency sets for us.  The thing about complacency is that, most of the time, we don't realize we're being complacent.  Complacency is manipulative.  That's why it's imperative that we look inwards often.  Take a look at yourself and really think about what it is that you want in life.  How are you going to get there?  What scares you about it?  What excites you?  Take all of this information and turn it into motivation.  Never, ever let fear, laziness, or complacency get between you and your goals.  

The perils of cutting corners

Everybody cuts corners.  It seems great at the time.  Very rarely does it turn out that way.  Most of the time, we wind up doing the job again, but this time properly.  We aCut know it isn't a good idea, but we still do it.  Why?

Most of the time we cut corners to save time.  Maybe we have somewhere else to be.  We can approach the corner cutting here in one of two possible ways:  1.  "Man, I've got a pretty good handle on this. I can take this shortcut and get to the same outcome."  2. "You know, I shouldn't do this, but I'm really running short on time.  I'll just do it this way and handle the consequences later."  The first way is foolish.  Those steps are there for a reason.  Today, for instance, I was in a rush and needed to clean my car.  While stopped at a stop sign, I grabbed the Windex and paper towels on the seat next to me and started cleaning my dashboard.  I thought to myself, "Go, Johnny, go!  Way to be efficient."  Of course, dividing my time between driving and dashboard cleaning wasn't smart.  I didn't pay enough attention and wound up having the Windex bottle disconnect from the sprayer and fall onto the ground.  Now my passenger floor mat has a nice Windex puddle.  I caused some damage, and wound up still having to clean my dashboard when I got back to my apartment.  Sure this isn't a big deal, but it would be if I was a pilot who decided that he didn't need to read through his landing checklist.  "I'll just run through it in my head; I've done it a million times before."  Then you wind up landing with the landing gear up because you were talented enough to cut corners.  It happens all of the time and it just isn't worth it.  Cutting corners leads to complacency which leads to mistakes.  We're not better than procedure.

Other times we acknowledge that we aren't doing things the right way.  Take, for instance, cleaning your house for a nice summer barbecue.  You've just gotten home from work, you have to take the kids to swimming lessons.  You wake up the next day and realize, "Gadzooks!  The family will be over in three hours and it looks like a tornado came through here!"  We know where everything in our home belongs.  We know that the playing cards shouldn't be tossed to the bottom of the magazine rack.  We know that our oxfords sitting next to the couch from the night before belong in the closet and not under the couch.  But we only have THREE hours to get this place in tip-top shape.  Now we think, "I'll just find a place for this stuff now, and actually clean it all up later."  The ingenious time savers that we are have found a way to get the house looking neat and still have 45 minutes of Snood time before the first guest arrives.  But what happens two weeks from now when we want to wear those oxfords and can't find them?  Or when the boys come over for poker night and the playing cards aren't in the drawer that you've kept them in for years?  It's annoying.  It really doesn't take much longer to do the job the right way.  Why deal with it twice?

Sometimes we just don't care.  There are little jobs where corner cutting doesn't really make a big deal.  For instance, the township requires that all cardboard be broken down before being placed in the recycling bin.  You have a small box and don't feel like walking to get a knife to cut it so you just toss it in.  No big deal here, right?  Nobody gets hurt; there aren't any consequences.  This may be true, but it sets a bad precedence for yourself and those around you.  If you don't force yourself to do the job correctly the first time for everything, it will be easier to slide into a lazy mentality.  Nobody likes lazy people.  It's really not that much harder to do the job the right way.  If you do the job properly, you'll feel better about yourself, others will respect you, and you will keep that nasty complacency at bay. If you absolutely need to cut corners, cut the one on the waxy bag that your Rice Krispies come in.

Strange Fascination: I used to hate David Bowie. Crazy, right?

I used to hate David Bowie.  I used to hate him more than anything.  My mom was a Bowie nut when she was young.  She got to see him with the Spiders from Mars in 1972.  She was in the Tower Theatre one of the nights that he recorded 1974's "David Live."  She was also in the Spectrum when he recorded 1978's "Stage."  She, like her friends, was completely devoted to David Bowie, glam rock, and the style that went along with it (for those of you who think of Motley Crue and Poison when you hear the word "glam" really need to go out and buy yourselves a T. Rex record.  I suggest "The Slider.")  My mom kept with Bowie through the 80's.  Fell out of touch in the 90's when she was busy raising me.  But the records still got played.  I didn't like them.       It was a far cry from the early Beatles and Elvis records that I was listening to at the time.  Things got even worse when I saw David on TV in 1997 promoting the "Earthling" album.  As a 9 year old I didn't get it. Instead I thought to myself, "man, this guy is really gay."  I kept this opinion through the early 2000's, cringing whenever my mom insisted on playing a Bowie record.  I never really bothered to listen -- I was too busy hating.  I didn't want my friends to know that I was listening to THAT weirdo on the weekends.  Something strange happened to me in the summer of 2002.

I was enrolled in a day summer camp at the local Jr. High.  Once a week we would go to the movies.  One week we had to choose between Mr. Deeds, and some forgettable movie.  Of course, my friend, Ethan and I picked Mr. Deeds.  There's a scene in the film where they are flying in a helicopter and Adam Sandler begins to sing, "This is Ground Control to Major Tom...."  "What was this song"  I thought to myself.  It was stuck in my head and I was singing it at home, when my mom picked up on it.  "That's a Bowie song, John!"  I had to hear it.  I went down into the basement and scoured the backs of my mom's Bowie records looking for "Major Tom."  No luck.  Maybe it was called something else.  My mom assured me that it was on one of those albums so I took the whole stack up to my room.  One by one I listened with no sign of the illustrious Major Tom.  By the time I got to the end, I realized something -- I loved David Bowie.  It was like finding the most beautiful painting in the world and then crawling inside.  A total sensory overload.  It transported me to places that I had never been before (for those that are really interested, my mom and aunt shared a lot of records so the Bowie collection got split up when they moved out of my grandparents' house.  When I listened we had:  David Bowie, The Man Who Sold the World, Hunky Dory, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust, David Live, Aladdin Sane, Young Americans, Station to Station, Low, Lodger, Let's Dance, Tonight, and Never Let Me Down). I just kept listening to them over and over.  I have such crisp memories of those days.  Standing on the bus stop with the frigid wind burning my face while The Saviour Machine flowed from my headphones.  Cleaning my pool in the summertime and listening to Glass Spider, "Gone, gone, the waters all gone."  Riding bicycles through Cape May singing Uncle Arthur with my mom. Great memories. A few months later we got 8th row tickets to see David perform at the Tower Theatre for the first time since 1974.  Absolute magic.  I've seen him three times since.  I've never met him, but he's waved to me from his limo while I was pressed up against the glass.  I'm not a stalker, but I know where he lives (and have hung around outside).  To me Bowie represents perfection in music.  He crafts songs and albums in a way that nobody else does.  Most of the time it's hard to tell what the heck he is singing about, but you never feel distant from them.  They seem so honest.  There are two cases in particular that I would like to talk about in further detail:

To me, Life on Mars? is the greatest song ever written.  No exaggeration here:  I have gotten chills every single time I have heard it.  There's a sense of loneliness in the song, but it isn't sad.  It's like the loneliness that we all feel when we set out to establish ourselves.  A foreign world with images we are not accustomed to.  Bowie captures it dead on.  Mick Ronson's guitar work is superb. It's not fast and it's not slow.  It's just perfect.  I've seen him perform it live twice -- I cried both times.

1972's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust is perfect.  It's a love story at the end of days.  The world has been given five years to live.  Everything is finite.  It's about an extraterrestrial being that has the potential to be the world's saviour.  The temptations of our world are too much for him.  From the first drum beats of Five Years to the final string hit in Rock and Roll Suicide, the listener is taken on a journey which will make them think, make them laugh, make them sing, make them cry.  Like a lot of Bowie's early work there is a vulnerability that the listener can relate to.  I hold this album very dear to me. On a trip to London in 2009 to see Mott the Hoople's first show in 35 years, we journey to E Heddon Street where the famous album cover photo was taken:

I'm afraid of tainting the album.  I already have a lot of strong memories attached to it.  None bad, just strong.  When I listen to it I can feel and smell where I was many years ago.  It was the album that I listened to heavily when I was finally beginning to develop my identity as a young adult.  I was still very naive, but at the time I didn't think I was.  Anyway, I don't want to lose touch with that.  For that reason, I am VERY selective with who I will allow to be a Ziggy listening companion.  I can't bear the though of having some negative memory come to mind when I hear the first strum of the guitar in Suffragette City.  Maybe that's weird;  maybe I'm selfish.  I don't
care. I'm a David Bowie fan. We are weird. We like it that way. Remember:


"Who knows? Not me. We never lost control. You're face to face,with the Man who Sold the World"

Echoes of Rosie

Sailing down the avenue,
getting caught every which way,
trying to recall the spot
Where I was to say...
But mind crosses over,
to something muttered before,
about a trip made previously;
so it isn't the right door.
But there was a door once went through,
like a few weeks before,
while the crowd danced on;
two figures left wanting more.
As the rain poured down,
standing outside
missing connections and acting crazy,
with careful eyes open wide.

Just like then, remember?
Those nights in between;
where strolling on hills, in basements,
watching the kids make the scene.
A minstrel sailor sings on
from Jolly Roger Bay,
warning of being good
with a kick, a twist, a sachet.
Never would pay him mind;
a caricature  of the past.
So the counter ticks,
making the night last.
But back to that other time
where I was to say...
shivering in that high top chair.
Pondering the right way.

That night, heard the kind speak,
through long and narrow hall.
About the importance of being earnest.
While one leaned, one a wall.
Scratched sunglasses were the chance
to articulate the night before.
But only a few words spent;
not like the dance floor.
When smoke fell down,
hid behind stones.
A first, like many --
setting the tone.
Like a few hours earlier,
but this time more.
A secret reacher,
from the left, explores.

With the same excitation
which made itself known,
while staring eye to eye,
while the parking lights shone.
About the night I was to say...
petrified of being posey.
But all has been emptied,
and I hear echoes of Rosie.

Stronger than the storm?

As a resident of the great oddly shaped state of New Jersey, I know first hand what Sandy did.  When word came that Sandy would come rolling through town, I went through the paces of tying down lawn furniture, making sure the bathtubs were full of water, charging my iPad and loading it with episodes of Knight Rider.  I was ready for the apocalypse.  As a fan of storms, I took to my front porch to watch our "perfect storm" make its grand appearance.  It did arrive but it seemed pretty lackluster, at least it at my location.  Irene, who had come a little over a year earlier did a much better job of making my neighbor's trees bend until there tops were almost perpendicular to their bottoms.

The next morning I surveyed my yard -- not a single branch was down.  Power never went out.  Bathtubs were drained.  We were lucky.  Many people were not.  Sandy ravaged the coast of New Jersey.  Here is one of the more iconic pictures of what Sandy did to my beloved home state:

It was terrible.  My sympathy goes out to each and every person who was affected by this storm.  I said many prayers for them.  It was a serious tragedy.  Luckily Governor Christie stepped up to the plate and did everything in his power to help New Jersey overcome this tragedy.  So far so good.  But one thing is really annoying me.  Our new PR campaign:  Stronger than the Storm.

What the heck is this?  First off, the song is lousy.  Secondly it was written by a NY based production company.  Couldn't they convince a Jersey boy like Bruce or Bon Jovi to come up with something.  Maybe we would have gotten something a little better.

The lyrics are lousy too.  "Because we're stronger than the storm."  Really?  Are we really stronger than the storm? I don't think so.  If we were able to wake up the day after the storm and ride the roller coasters along the boardwalk (or even walk on the boardwalk) this might have been the case.  New Jersey got its behind kicked in a very serious way.  Obviously we were weaker than the storm.  The fact that we are rebuilding suggests that we are perhaps more resilient than the storm.  This storm beat us up and ran away.  We have the drive to stick around and rebuild.  Hopefully we rebuild in a strong enough way so that we can use this song the next time a hurricane comes around.  "Hey, screw you Hurricane Julia.  You can't mess with us!"

I'm not much of a shore person.  I'll go to Cape May from time to time.  I enjoy the occasional trip to the AC boardwalk to watch the crazies stagger around in the middle of the night.  I've been known to enjoy a bit of gambling on the casino floor.  I'm glad that Jersey is rebuilding.  Despite my feelings that Jersey is a dull landscape, it does hold a special place in my heart.  I was raised here.  I want to see it succeed and triumph. But in keeping vigilant and being prepared (stronger) for our next storm, I'll keep my Knight Rider episodes handy on my iPad.

Confessions and Metamorphosis

I am writing in this blog, for now anyway, as a means of self discovery.  I am learning more about myself by putting thoughts down in writing.  It also serves as a nice reference down the road when I question where I stand on things.  The last month has tried me more than any other.  I'm fairly lucky to be able to say that I can count the amount of egregious mistakes (mistakes I've made when I have ignored myself and gone against my inner compass) on one hand.  Unfortunately, these are the types of mistakes that weigh deep on a man's soul.  These are the types of mistakes that hurt the ones we love.  I'm not always good at being honest with myself.  I have trouble writing down the hard truth even if it is in a book of mine that nobody will ever read.  This behaviour has cost me a great casualty and has allowed unnecessary sadness to befall those who don't deserve it .   I figure that it would be a good exercise to lay everything out here in a public format.  A stripping of walls if you will:

I like myself, generally.  I'm a happy guy.  I'm a human and, therefore, I'm fallible.  I had an epiphany the other night.  I was standing at the base of my stairs, just staring at my grandfather clock (wrote about this a few days ago -- go catch up and come back) on my way to fetch a glass of water.  I hadn't been able to sleep for hours.  Instead I was thinking about the last month or so, wondering how things would have turned out had I done things differently.  As per usual with sleepless concern, my mind then went down the road of examining every single possible future outcome that could make things worse than they are here and now.  Anyway, while staring at that clock I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks.  "Who the heck am I?"  I thought to myself.  I felt like a stranger inside of my own body.  Earlier that day I had been talking to a friend whom I had upset, without realizing that by not giving them space, I was only upsetting them more.  How could I not see that?  I probably could have, and should have.  That's not the kind of person that I am.  It was selfish of me. 

I went back to bed and kept thinking; trying to figure out how I got to where I was.  I did some things in high school that made some people pretty upset.  It doesn't bother me now, but it did for a very long time.  When I went away to school this stuff was weighing pretty heavy on my mind.  It didn't help that I was suddenly challenged academically for the first time in my life.  I felt like I wasn't smart because things weren't coming as easy for me.  As a defence mechanism, I adopted my personality to be that of the funny party guy.  I always had jokes,  I could chug beers faster than anybody, I was dumb.  It gave me relief for a while, but it's hard to get out from under an identity like that, even when it no longer makes you feel any better.  I partied too much.  I allowed acting like a clown  to a release for me.  This was so different than how I felt inside, but there wasn't any use stopping it.  I don't want this to sound like I had a drinking problem -- I didn't.  This is concerning the way I acted.  Nonetheless, people got the wrong idea about me and, at the same time, I began to actually believe that I wasn't smart.  

This behaviour was unjustified.  I felt like I was letting myself down, but I didn't have any self confidence so there didn't really seem to be anything to do about it.  I had just adopted this mentality.  The mentality of a coward.  It would really bum me out to see little kids playing.  Seeing the innocence of children served as constant reminder to me about how I had let myself down and sacrificed my own innocence for nothing.  

I was in a bad spot.  My self confidence was shot.  This affected my personal, professional, and scholastic lives.  I was too afraid to take a stand for myself.  I was afraid that people wouldn't like me if I was more assertive and used my brain.  I think a lot.  I always have.  When I'm deep in thought people often say to me, "Hey, come on John, smile."  "Are you okay?"  I hate that.  Just because I am deep in thought doesn't mean that I am unhappy.  Often times I am happy, I'm just thinking.  Still it served as another barrier from trying to break away from my identity.  

Somewhere along the line I developed a mindset that I not only could but HAD to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Perhaps I was just too embarrassed to admit my shortcomings to others.  Like I said, I'm not good at being open about this stuff.  When problems would arise, I wouldn't say anything.  I'd just hold everything in and carry on.  Eventually the pressure becomes too great, and I decide to run.  Again like a coward.  I desperately seek the approval of others and often screw things up when I'm trying to gain that approval.  I don't care for conflict.  I really dislike saying no.  Often time I try to save two things at once.  This generally amounts to me putting off actually dealing with them until the pressure becomes to great.  I snap, make a rash decision and wing up losing one if not both of the things I set out to save.  Not an admirable trait.  It makes me act like a fool.  It caused me to lose one of my closest friends.  It was all my fault.  Worst of all it could have all been avoided if I had the courage to believe in myself.  Remember that even your strongest beliefs can be compromised if you don't believe in yourself.  That is the foundation.  With a weak foundation even the strongest buildings will fall.  

The reader (you) might be thinking to yourself, "Why the heck is this guy telling us all of this junk?"  The answer is simple, because these are part of the things that make me who I am.  I told you that I had an epiphany.  That's what it was!  I realized how messed up I had been acting.  That's not who I am.  I'm not a coward.  I'm not a creep.  Please take a moment to read this poem before we continue.  

"If" by Rudyard Kipling.  This is the poem that I told myself as a young man would serve as a reference for what I wanted to represent as a man.  When things got tough, I'd read this poem and use it to regain strength and composure.  I had a copy of it hanging on my wall in college.  I guess I didn't read it much.  I have now.

I feel reborn.  I am not a coward, I am not a jerk.  I am not a man who runs from his problems.  I am an intellectual.  The pursuit of knowledge is a quest that I will continue until I pass from this earth.  I am a romantic.  I want to love and share with someone who wants to do the same with me.  I am a crusader for my beliefs.  I will not compromise those beliefs for anyone or anything.  I am a man who takes advice from his friends, but ultimately follows the mantra "to thine own self be true."  I am not a man who spends his time chugging beers and eating cheesesteaks every single day.  I am a man who will have command of his body, and will train it to serve his bidding.  I will be in the best physical shape of my life.  I am not a man who comes home from work and watches TV until bed time.  I am a man who will use that time to better himself -- to write, to learn, to grow.  I will fight for what is right.

I've made mistakes.  I just made a huge one.  I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, lonely.... the list goes on.  But I'll tell you all something.  Moping around in my own self pity won't make anything better.  Listening to my "sad song" playlist isn't going to make things any better.  What I have done, I have done.  Like I said in an earlier post:  you can't get back the time that has passed.  You can't undo your decisions.  We are given the freedom to make our own decisions.  This is a wonderful gift, but it comes at a price.  We NEED to be responsible, and really think things out.  Our decisions do not only affect us, but those around us.  We need to take this into consideration.  But once they've been made all we can do is move forward.  Never, ever forget what you have done.   Don't dwell on it.  What is the use of dwelling on something that you can't change?  Use it.  Let it feed your desire to better yourself.  Make your mistakes the fodder of your growth so that you don't make them again.

I've had to pay a terrible price for this realization.  Epiphanies seem to come around later than we would like them to.  But there is some light at the end of the tunnel here.  How can you define "too late?"  You can't.  Not when you're looking into the future anyway.  The future is totally unwritten.  Your future is what you make it.  Sure you can't control what others are going to do, but that shouldn't bother you anyway.  All you can do is be yourself, and have faith in the rest.

I find prayers to be very helpful.  I've been spending a lot of time in church lately praying and reflecting.  I've also started asking God for help with things (something I've felt a little sheepish about doing in the past).  His ear has provided me great solace. My mind feels sharper now than it has in the last 8 years.  I honestly feel like a new man.  Not a new man, but an enhanced version of myself.  I can see the light.  Of course this is only the beginning of my journey.  I don't expect to have this baggage dropped away in a few weeks.  But now I believe in myself 100%.  Between that and having God on my side, I can't lose.  

I am going to storm my upcoming challenges.  I am going to fight for what is right.  I am going to push myself to get stronger and stronger.  I am going to work to reclaim the things that I have lost as a result of my weakness.  

If any of you think that I won't be able to do this, I have two words for you:

watch me. 

Greeting the Morning. Routines.

Some people like waking up and some people don’t. I’m a morning person so it doesn’t seem to bother me much. I have a little routine that I follow that seems to work pretty well.



The first thing that I do when I wake up is look at my clock. It generally reads sometime between 2 and 4 AM.  I try to fall back asleep but it doesn’t work. I feel the desire to pick up my phone and look at what Facebook has been doing for the 4 hours I’ve been asleep, but that seems to be a waste of time to me so I’ve taken to writing blog entries. After writing for an hour or so I feel ready to fall back asleep (thank goodness). I have another set of dreams which are generally not too dissimilar from my first set. My dreams most often are very realistic.



I’ll wake up again sometime between 5:30 and 6:30AMThere is no going back from this point. At this point the mind in groggy and doesn’t do a great job of thinking. I spend a few moments thinking about the dream I just woke up from and have to tell myself that it was all a dream. It’s imperative to really let this sink into my brain because there have been times in the past when I have mistook sequences in dreams for reality. This only leads to confusion and embarrassment.



I also usually have some sort of great idea when I wake up (I’m not sure if this is related to the dreams that I have). “Gonna start a revolution from my bed.” I’ll sit there and think about how I will put this idea into motion and fix the world’s problems. Luckily, by the time I reach the shower I realize that I am not a swash buckler and that the great idea that I had is really pretty lousy. Damn you dreams.



At this point I’ll look over to my clock again. My clock is set for 6:30AM I haven’t heard the alarm in weeks. Is don’t know about you guys, but beating the clock and not having to hear that god forsaken beeping sound is about the best start to a day that a man can ask for. I quickly reach over and turn my alarm clock off. Already one victory and the day is only minutes old.



To make sure that I don’t fall back asleep, I turn on the TV and scan for something good to watch. Between 5 and 6 in the morning this generally winds up being Married….with Children or Full House. If I’m in luck in might find a better program, but it doesn’t really matter. As soon as I settle on something good to watch, I get out of bed and go take my shower. Finding the TV program is kind of a waste, but it’s part of the routine so it stays. As a side note, this can really bite you in the rear. Today when I left for my shower, Full House was on. When I returned it was Dora the Explorer. I hate Dora the Explorer.

I won’t go into detail about my showering routine. You probably don’t care what brand of toothpaste I use (Crest for that fresh feel!). When all of that is done, I head back to my room and get dressed for the day (jeans, short sleeve collared shirt, safety shoes). As they say, the engineer’s wardrobe is outfitted by JC Penny. Oh well. I don’t get visitors to my apartment anymore, but I still make my bed and straighten up every morning. A clean room is a display of self discipline – something we all can never have enough of. I switch off the TV and look around the room to make sure I’m not missing anything. I fold my little blanket and place it on my desk. I’ll sit at my computer and read through the blog post I wrote in the middle of the night. Sometimes I make some changes, other times I don’t. I’ll post the entry. I turn off the AC and my fan. I’m ready to go. I read my card. I leave my room.



I don’t eat breakfast or drink coffee at my apartment. On my way out I grab a few pieces of fruit to eat at my desk. Since I don’t get up at any particular time, I don’t go into work at any particular time either. For instance, today I wound up at work an hour early. In the car I call my parents and chat for a few moments. It takes me 12 minutes to get to work. Once I arrive at work, any hope of routine goes out the window.



Why do we follow routines? Is it easier for us? Clearly, there are some things that I do in the morning that I could probably cut out. I won’t change it though. Routines are comfortable. Even the biggest risk takers crave some level of consistency. For me it just seems like the only sensible way to start off each day. Each day is a gift, it would be a crime to not start it off properly.

The Look of Love

What is love?  Well, firstly, it's a word.  A four letter word.  Its meaning is responsible for the building of empires, the starting of wars, the deconstruction of teenage personality.  There have been sonnets, books, songs, films, paintings, and sculptures built to the testament of love.  It means something different to everybody.

Falling in love is, initially, much like getting punched in the stomach.  It takes you completely off guard, and leaves you incapable of doing much of anything else.  Total sensory overload.  It's wonderful.  Suddenly, it's like everything is right in the world, like all positive energy has aligned to fire a bolt of joyous passion into your heart.  The man in love feels alive.  Why?  Let's first look at the mutual love route:

When two people are in love there is a bond -- a strong bond.  The level of caring that each person has for the other is so strong that, in many cases, they would gladly do things that they never would consider doing for anybody else.  The needs of the other get put before the needs of their own.  To accompany this selflessness is the trust that the other person would return the favor.  Each stands as a rock for the other.  Looking into your love's eyes allows you to peer deep into their soul, to really feel like one with them.  A team, complete, and ready to take on the world.  It's glorious.

There is also unrequited love.  It has been around for just as long and has made as large of an impact on society as the previous.  For instance, the sonnet above deals with the anguish of unrequited love and the writer's desire to hold onto his feelings despite knowing that it won't yield what he has in his dreams.  But isn't that what love is?  Isn't part of love holding steadfast to your feelings no matter what?  From reading the sonnet, I think the writer would still be willing to die for his love.  This shows that the power of love has as much, in this case more, of an effect on the giver as the receiver.

Love is special in that it can attach itself to both positive and negative feelings.  For instance, new love makes a person feel excited, motivated, confident while losing love can make someone feel, guilty, angry, depressed.  It doesn't change the love.  Love is like a well, it is the deepest of feelings.  The other feelings are like the water in the well.  The level may go up and down and the fluid may change -- constant fluctuation.  But being that the well is made of stone it, like love, never changes; it is stronger than that.

We agree that love is wonderful, special, and powerful. Which so much potential, that must mean that love can't always be easy. It takes strength and perseverance. John Lennon said, "We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it." He really hit the nail on the head there. Love can be such a comfortable feeling that it is easy to take for granted. Love isn't a right or an expectation, love is a gift; it should be treated that way. If you handle love with respect, chances are you feel fulfilled. However, if you disrespect love, you should expect to feel its wrath.

I hope I've done an okay job thus far explaining the depth and power of love.  Now I'd like to look at when we are in love.  Love can't be taken lightly.  It is leaps and bounds stronger than almost every other brain function.  Everybody wants it, so when do we get it?  Love doesn't ask questions.    Love doesn't knock on your door and politely ask to come in for tea.  Love breaks down your door when you are least expecting it and demands your participation.  For the high school sweethearts married for 60 years, this is awesome.  But what about our sonnet writer?  Is it awesome for him knowing that he must live alone with these feelings?  I think so.  If he could erase these feelings from his head would he?  I doubt it.  Even though it must hurt him, he is still able to experience these feelings, deeper and stronger than any other.  

We have the happily married high school sweethearts enjoying their twilight years together, and we have the sonnet author holding onto his love despite its lack of external return.  Both cases steeped in fortitude.  So does this mean that the middle school kids who exchange the word while holding hands in the cafeteria mean it?  Probably not, but maybe.  Love doesn't know age limits.  Still it's always bothered me that people throw around the word.  I don't think it's fair to love.  You don't love 100 people in a lifetime.  You don't even love 10.  I believe the answer is closer to 1.  If you meet somebody and fall in love, your desire, connection, attraction, and trust for them becomes greater than for any other person.  Such a magical feeling is impossible to replicate.  Everybody but your love seems to be an insignificant being.  How then are you expected to feel so strongly about somebody else?  I believe in soul mates.  Once you find them, it's the end of the road.  That is the one you love.  Everybody else equates to settling.  

We often hear, "all you need is love" and "love conquers all."  Does it?  Mostly.  If you are truly in love, it will give you tremendous strength which is good because it requires tremendous strength to lay every fiber of your being on the line for somebody else.  Love will NEVER fail you, but you may fail love, and you may fail the one you love.  I said previously that love was stronger than almost every brain function.  While in love you believe in it completely.  So where can the failing come from?  Simple:  if you don't believe in yourself.  Self doubt will make you question the validity of your own feelings and desires.  This is why it is critical to use love as your guiding compass.  Love is true, truer than anything else.  If you are in love never let your mind doubt it.  Never let anything wedge itself between love and your perception of reality.  Love doesn't play those games and neither should you.  Believe it.

What have we learned?  Love is a gift.  Love is strong.  Love is precious.  Love can be hard.  Love can make us feel everything on the emotional spectrum.  Love comes like a thief in the night. 

 I hope all of you have the chance to fall in love.  

Mind, mood, and meditation

The mind is a funny thing.  It is an extremely power tool.  The ability to reason and feel is something that gives us a competitive edge against computers.  The mind is limitless in its power.  As we all know:  with great power comes great responsibility.  We must control our mind, harness its power to work for us.  This is where willpower comes in.  We must use self control to control our mind which in turn controls our actions.  Yet, self control is a function of the brain.  So really that means the brain must fight with itself to carry out the controller (person)'s intentions.  That doesn't sound too easy does it?  I wouldn't call myself smart, but I do excel in scholarly pursuits (pompous sounding right?).  I also notice that my mind seems to constantly be in high-speed mode.  For instance, if I can't think of where I know an actor that I saw on TV, I will not be able to rest until I figure out the answer.  I can't just turn it off. My brain often seems tired.  I also feel the need to over-analyze EVERYTHING.  I can't take things for face value.  My mind is always chipping away at walls hoping to find some more information hidden behind.  This certainly gives me a competitive advantage when trying to learn.  Its a trait that also lends itself well for critical thinking. Unfortunately, like everything good, it has its downsides.  The fast paced mind as always moving at its critical velocity.  At any point it can trip over itself and wipe out.  Total loss of control.  It's almost as if the brain bypasses the normally strong critical thinking mode and makes decisions based on a quick impulse.  This can cause major problems.  Therefore, it is very important to try to slow the mind as much as possible.  Developing mental patience (part of willpower) may be a struggle, but it is critical for our well being.

The mind also serves as one of the main contributors to our mood.  Mood can be controlled by our actions.  If we exercise willpower and don't eat the second piece of cake, we may find ourselves feeling satisfied and proud.  If we let ourselves down we may feel anger and guilt.  I've been thinking a lot lately about trying to control mood.  I'd like to be able to perform some brain function that would override my feelings.  I think that using external stimuli is one of the best approaches.  After listening to Nick Drake's Pink Moon I find that my excitement level has died down (this is good as I often make more mistakes when I am happy and excited.  I let my guard down).  Listening to the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" or Queen's "Too Much Love Will Kill You" when I am missing the one I love makes me feel even more lonely than before.  When I am feeling particularly lousy, I listen to classical music to pump myself up.  Dvorak's "Water Goblin" and Holst's "Mars the Bring of War" seem to be very effective at returning my focus. The real trick it to be able to do this without anything external.  Again, this takes willpower.

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night (gives me plenty of time to write in this blog).    There are two types of nightmares:  the traditional type that you wake up from and think, "Gee, I'm glad that's over." and the type where you are having a wonderful dream and wake up to realize that  you were just dreaming and that reality isn't anywhere close to that nice.  I've been getting a lot of both lately.  After these nightmares, my mind is racing far too much to sleep.  It's very uncomfortable.  So far it has pretty much meant that regardless of when I wake up, I am up for the day.  This starts to take its toll after a few weeks of getting up at 2-4AM.  I've tried calming my mind, but nothing works.  At first I was just going out driving, but this isn't the best way to deal with things.  I now find prayer and meditation to be effective methods.  I've always prayed pretty consistently, but now it seems that the way I do it is changing.  Despite the fact that repeating pre-written prayers does a good job of keeping your mind clear (like a mantra), I am rather enjoying the conversational style of praying where you just seem to be talking and expressing yourself.  This has been very helpful.  When I've prayed in the past, I've never really asked for anything.  I figured that I've been blessed enough and it would be rude to ask for me.  I'm asking now and it feels surprisingly good.  I feel less alone and that helps me sleep.  I've also tried meditation.  Okay, I don't really know anything about meditation.  I've really just been repeating the same line in my head over and over as fast as I can hoping that it blocks other thoughts out.  I'd like to thank George Clinton and Funkadelic for the line, "freedom is free of the need to be free."  I say it a lot.  I probably should have picked something that wouldn't be such a tongue twister but oh well -- it works.

Optimism, pessimism, and the pesky glass containing 50% water and 50% air

People often discuss whether someone is more the "glass half full" or "glass half empty" type.  We live in a society where it is easy to thrive on negative energy.  We encounter plenty of negative people in our day to day adventures.  But we discover just as many folks who are filled with joy.  We would expect that the more upbeat person would be more content, but is that really true?  Let's first look at the optimist.

The optimist seems to walk with more spring in his step than his negative counterpart.  The world is his.  When the chips are down, he is convinced that he will have the winning hand.  I don't believe that this is a bad way of looking at things.  There is less stress on any given day.  When adversity rears its head, the optimist stands tall, like a sword drawn captain on an attacking flagship.  For a long time I believed that I could beat anything that I had to face.  I'd be victorious in every situation.  I could dig myself out of the deepest hole.  Let's be honest.  This isn't true.  We find ourselves in situations that we must admit failure on.  It happens to everybody.  When the optimist fails, it is a crucial blow to his ego.  His world rocks back and forth making it difficult to keep his eyes fixed on the horizon.  I believe that a great deal of depressed people are optimists who have been struck down.

The pessimist has a different way of looking at things.  Generally he expects failure.  When faced with adversity, failure is a suitable outcome.  When he admits failure he thinks to himself, "Oh well, I figured that's how things would go."  He isn't much worse off.  However, when he triumphs over adversity he thinks to himself, "Holy cow!  I can't believe this!"  He is filled with happiness, more so than the triumphant optimist.  Some could argue that this is the better outlook -- less disappointment, more satisfaction from victory.  The downside to this approach is that the pessimist   can most often be found staring at his shoes as he makes his way from place to place.  Despite being immersed in a world full of vibrant beauty the pessimist misses most.  His one word answers bore those who interact with him.  Yet, I don't think he is depressed in many cases.  In fact he may find himself more content than the optimist.  Life may pass by in a haze but there aren't as many obstacles for the pessimist as the optimist.  Lower quality of life, but steady.

Crossover?  Sure.  I think many adopt pessimism in the spiral down from optimistic glee to depression.  At the same time, when luck turns around and things start going in their favor, many pessimists may begin the journey towards the optimistic lifestyle.  If one is to get stuck in any lifestyle, I would venture to say that optimism is best.  Optimism gives us the strongest chance at succeeding in our ventures.  We just have to be strong enough to stand tall and take that chance.

But me, as an engineer, would simply say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My grandfather clock, the passing of time, and the consequence of actions.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I spent a few moments watching the grandfather clock that sits by my front door.  It's been in the same spot more or less in all five places that I've lived.  It was ticking away when my parents brought me home from the hospital. It was ticking away for the each and every first day of school. It's seen me happy and sad.  It's watched me laugh and it's watched me cry.  It's watched me come home after great successes and triumphs.  It watched as I once almost put my head through it after a counter productive night at the bar shortly after my 21st birthday.  It's watched me come home full of despair after failing myself and others.   I'd run passed the clock to greet my dad when he would return from any given long trip in the big 747.  It watched me trudge through the front door after my grandmother's funeral.  It saw the smile on my face and my confident stride when I found greatness beyond my comprehension.  It observed the guilt on my face when I made the biggest mistake of my life.  It hasn't ever told me anything; it hasn't judged me.   It saw me last night, however I am now, observing it.

Throughout my life the clock has done one thing -- ticked.  The hands have moved forward.  It's stopped sometimes when I've forgotten to wind it.  It's never moved backwards (except when I have to push the hands out of the way of the winding holes but we won't really count that).  Time moves forward without exception. One must understand that given a finite amount of ticks, it is imperative to use them wisely.  As soon as each one passes there is no way to get it back.  The actions one takes during a few ticks will set the scene for the future.  They are not independent.  I, like most of I suppose, wish that it wasn't a linear path forward from tick to tick.  If we were able to sail on time, we would be able to do many things -- put a year's worth of action into a single tick, alter passed ticks, cruise to the future.  We know that we can't do this. We can't go back in time.  I would give anything to be able to be able to spin the hands on my grandfather clock back a few weeks and see the time reverse.  I can't.  We do good things, we do bad things.  Everybody makes mistakes, some bigger than others.  I think that one of the defining qualities in the integrity of a man is the ability to live with mistakes.  It's not easy.  Sometimes we do things that keep us up at night.  Things we may never forgive ourselves for.  Impulses made in a few ticks, in the heat of the moment, in fear, in frustration.  Once actions are made, once the clock ticks, there is no way to go back.  The good thing is that there are, hopefully, many more ticks to come in life.  There is no definition to those ticks yet.  Anything can happen in that time.  The best thing we can do is to try our best to control what we do in those ticks and let everything else fall into place.  Ultimately we only have control of our time sphere.  Its foolish to expect any more.  But, friends, that means that we are all so very responsible for our actions.  After our actions, we lose responsibility.  We can only hope that we've done right. We cannot deny what we've done.  We can only try to do the right thing going forward.  It isn't always easy but it is all that we can do.

Once, my grandfather clock stopped working.  At first it seemed to chime at the wrong times, things  progressed and then it finally stopped working.  We had to get a clock guy in to work on our grandfather clock.  He had to open up its insides and clean out the grime that had built up over 20 or so years. Isn't our life like that?  A clock is useless to man if it doesn't run.  Without its insides being in prime working condition,  it can't help others.  When we have problems, when we have grime built up inside of us, we become incapable of really sharing with others.  It's easy to fall into these pits.  In a fast paced, judgmental society it is often difficult to share our problems.  We hold them in, hanging on in quiet desperation.  This isn't healthy.  We become black clouds, wasting our precious ticks and hurting those who love us.  It is so very important that we look inside and purge ourselves of our problems so that we do not let them ooze out and affect our loved ones.  When we've messed up, large or small, the first place we need to look is inside.  It isn't right, or fair to yell and scream our problems to others until we've searched ourselves -- fixed ourselves.  True, it may often require the help of others to do this, but that first step is look for the grime inside of ourselves.   No matter how it got there, it is ours, our decisions are ours, and we must accept this responsibility.  Nobody else can spend our ticks, nobody can get them back for us.  Therefore we must clean our insides, and watch with vigilance for the return of the grime.  If we do this, we can hope with glint optimism that our remaining ticks may lead us to our own promised lands.

I never thought I'd ever learn so much from staring at a clock.