Always Something There to Remind Me

Time passes.  I can guarantee that one day I'll be dead.  Science says someday you (the reader) will be deceased as well.   It's inevitable; that's what it's important to embrace what we have now.  I've been thinking about the past a lot lately.  My life has been filled mostly with good times but, like everyone's life, ha seen its share of bad times.  Most people I've met have made a positive impact on my life.  With a few major exceptions (my 3rd grade teacher being one of them) I think I've had a positive impact on the lives of most people that I've met.  That makes me feel pretty darn good. 

I believe that we have three types of memories:  good memories, bad memories, and memories that were good  but are now so distant that they hurt us.  Everybody likes a good memory.  For me, one of my best memories was of the day I first soloed in an airplane.  I was 17 on that sunny day when my flight instructor got out of the airplane and told me, "why don't you take it around a few times."  Nothing will ever be able to taint that memory for me.  It was a triumph for me.  Good memories should be recalled often to remind us that life is good, we're good, and society is (mostly) good.  Even  if that's not exactly true, it doesn't hurt to approach things with a tinge of optimism.

Then there's the bad memories -- the things we want to suppress; the things we want to forget.  Everybody has them. On September 11, 2001 I was in 8th grade.  The teachers were instructed to play dumb to shield us, but word still got out.  It wasn't until I got home that I witnessed the carnage that had come upon our nation.  The sheer terror that penetrated my soul was one of the worst feelings I have ever endured.  There was a great uncertainty as to whether or not these attacks would continue.  It hurt all of us, so we were quick to forget.  American flags disappeared from our cars and we went back to our lives.  A year later it was, once again, uncool to be patriotic.  It's a shame.  We shouldn't forget the bad memories.  We need to understand them and control them.  Bad memories are part of us.  If we try to block them out they will consume us.  If we face them, they will make us better.  We will learn.

The third type of memory is the one that hurts us because we can no longer make the same types of memories.  We've all lost a loved one at some point.  You know that sinking feeling you get when you drive passed a restaurant that you and your loved one used to frequent?  Or how about that feeling when that movie that you used to watch together comes on TV?  Or even when you look through your photo album documenting your time together?  You realize that you can't ever get it back.  It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world because it is one that you have absolutely no control over.  There is no way of bringing them back.  For instance, every time I drive by Nifty Fifties I think of all the times my grandmother used to take me there.  They were happy outings -- filled with love and laughter.  But now when I see that place I feel sick.  I know I'll never again sit there with my grandmother.  "I hate that god forsaken place."  I think to myself.  Let me tell you something:  that is a STUPID way to act.  If you live that way, you're going to wind up avoiding more places than not because they remind you of the past.  They were good memories.  Go to those places and think about the good memories you had there.  Embrace your happy past!  Sure you won't make memories with the same person, but you can think of them!  You can make new memories too!  Never let a good memory be wasted because of your current situation.  Don't be one of those people who hides from constant reminders.  You can't ever avoid them, so you might as well embrace them.  The only thing that can come of it is that you'll have less of a weight on your shoulders.  

In short:  embrace the good, transform the bad, and try to recall your memories the way you did when you made them.  Don't let time and circumstance taint a good thing.  Live and love! 

The Egotistical Man.

Do you have an ego?  Probably.  I think everybody does.  I know I do.  That's not to say that I never have my bouts with self questioning (I do not infrequently) but most of the time I'm filled with a tremendous sense of self confidence.  Some people have a problem with other's egos.  A lot of times you'll hear someone say, "Man, that guy really had some ego."  What's so bad about that?

I think that having an ego can be a good thing. Clearly, when we are backed with self confidence, our actions will be carried out with more force and precision.  Without an ego, a person may be too meek to act, and miss out on good opportunity.  If we take a look at World War II's great fighter aces and the 1960's great astronauts we can see that just about all of them had egos.  Pappy Boyington (Flying Tigers pilot and leader of the Black Sheep Squadron (yes, that show was based on fact)) was known to have a terribly strong ego.  It was that ego and his God given talent combined that allowed him to act quickly and confidently and shoot down 26 Japanese  planes and go on to win the Medal of Honor.  If we control our ego we can use it to enhance our decision making ability and exude a confidence that will make others more likely to believe and agree with us. 

The issue with ego is that, unlike basic self confidence, modesty is not paired well with it. The egotistical man is often seen as an elitist.  Nobody says that they like an elitist, but I believe that there is a bit of elitism hiding inside of all of us.  You don't have to admit it, but at least think about it. I know I can feel that way.  I'm a refined, educated gentleman, and I often think that puts me ahead of the pack sometimes.  At the same time, I don't treat people any differently or even look down on them (I believe everybody has a right to follow their dreams and desires); I just believe that I am more geared for success.  I'm not much different from most other people (you included, probably).  So why, hate the egotist?  Because he is a pompous nerf-herder?  I think that's the most common reason; nobody likes a pompous person.       

Let's look back again at the fighter pilots and astronauts.  These men were larger than life figures -- American heroes.  They were afraid of nothing.  They were always willing to push the limit.  These men had egos so strong that they believed that with their skill, they could do the impossible.  Sometimes they did. And for that, we will be reading their names in history books for centuries to come.  If we look at their personal lives, they weren't so successful.  Most of their marriages ended in divorce.  Many of them struggled from depression and alcohol abuse in later years.  It's at this point I discovered the main difference between having an ego and being self confident.  Ego is not a super form of self confidence, in fact it has very little self confidence.

The ego develops when a man has a very strong sense of self confidence in one particular area.  Like the astronauts, they believe that they can do their job better than anybody else on the planet.  They don't feel as confident in other aspects of life.  In fact, they might even feel afraid.  To counter balance these fears, they over emphasize their slice of confidence until it develops into a full blown ego -- a mask.  The devote all of their time to it, and let everything else fall by the wayside.  At first this doesn't seem like a problem.  But the day will come when their skill will no longer be needed.  It is then that they finally feel useless and alone.  

The self confident man, is comfortable with everything that he does.  He is able to balance his whole life with success.  Wouldn't we rather be like that?  It's much more difficult, and it isn't as flashy as being the egotistical hero, but it will lead to more happiness.  Don't get too wrapped up with the hero mentality; be the modest self confident man.  As the great General Boyington once said, "show me a hero and I'll prove he's a bum."

My Ideal Bowie Setlist

I was thinking to myself, "if I had an opportunity to see Bowie live one more time,and could pick the setlist, what would I choose?"  Here's what I've come up with.  Figured he'd play 30 songs, and two from the new album:

1.  Five Years
2.  Soul Love
3.  Moonage Daydream
4.  Starman
5. It Ain't Easy
6.  Valentine's Day
7.  My Death (piano version from 90's)
8.  Always Crashing in the Same Car
9.  Cygnet Committee
10.  Wild Eyed Boy From Freecloud
11.  Slow Burn
12.  Sweet Thing/Candidate/Sweet Thing Reprise
13.  Life on Mars?
14.  Cat People (Putting Out Fire)
15.  Scary Monsters
16.  Where are we Now?
17.  White Light/White Heat (1972 Beeb version)
18.  Time
19.  We are the Dead
20.  Look  Back in Anger
21.  Word on a Wing
22.  Aladdin Sane (Diamond Dogs Tour version)
23. 1984
24.  Stay

Encore:

25.  Lady Stardust
26.  Star
27.  Hang On to Yourself
28.  Ziggy Stardust
29.  Suffragette City
30.  Rock n Roll Suicide

The show would open with side one of Ziggy and the encore would be side two.  Nothing from the 90's, but that's okay.  What would you other Bowie fans do.

Once upon a time I had a deviantart

... And there weren't many things on it.  See why?  I've never been particularly skilled at visual art.  I'm a good musician, I'm a mediocre writer, and I'm a lousy painter.  That's okay, though. Everybody has their skills and their weaknesses.

Yet, I want to be skilled at everything.  Chances are you, the reader, do too.  Nobody wants to be bad at something (maybe not entirely true.  I'm a bad liar and I don't really mind that).  At the same time,  you don't want to wind up a jack of all trades and master of none.  That's why it is important to really work hard at one or two things.  The rest you can dabble with in your free time.  

When you want to really get good at something, you have to put a lot of work in.  Don't be fooled by these guys that have innate ability and claim to never practice.  They do.  Once you get good at it, it will stop feeling like practice.  Take the guy who comes home from work every day and fools around with his guitar while he has a few beers.  He doesn't think he is practicing, but he is. He will be slightly better at the end.  So if you're good at something, keep doing it.  Never tell yourself that you don't have to practice.

It's also important to decide what you really want to get good at.  How will it help you?  I've done considerable amounts of reading and can recite a seemingly endless amount of facts about popular music from the last 70 years or so.  But what good is that going to do me?  If vh1 brings back rock and roll Jeopardy, I'll be set.  If not, oh well.  I'd much rather be fluent in French and German.  That would actually be useful.  The things that you master must be balanced between your passions and practicality.  This balance will yield the best usefulness for your skill.  If you are torn, you should listen to your passionate side.  This is where the real drive to master a skill comes from.  If you really want to, you can find purpose for anything.  I could become a music history teacher if I really wanted to.

Dabbling is necessary as well.  You don't want to get burned out on things.  Taking some time to goof around may be just the thing you need, especially if you are finding yourself at a wall in your skill mastering.  I think, this weekend, I'll dig out my art supplies and look at some of the stuff I made.  Maybe I'll even update my deviantart.  Is that even still a thing anymore?

What are our dreams telling us?

Rather unusually, man’s great rationer of time ripped me away from my fantasy world this morning.  In an instant, I went from standing on the beach at Cape May to staring at my bedroom wall.  I don’t think that anybody likes the incessant buzzing of the alarm clock, but one has to admit that it is effective.  Luckily for me, I normally wake up before the darn thing goes off (and every morning that this happens I look at it and think to myself, “you lose!”).  As I got up to turn off the alarm clock, I couldn’t help but think about the dream that I was plucked from.  It was a good one.  Generally, I like dreaming.  I see them as a chance to experiment with your being without any real consequence. 

 

My dreams are usually realistic.  The amount of realism in my dreams varies from night to night.  For instance, the other night I dreamed that I went back to visit my previous employer.  I walked around and talked to all of my old friends and acquaintances.  I even wound up speaking to my old boss about interest in a position back with the company.  I’ve had dreams like this that were so realistic that a few weeks later I had to really think to distinguish dreams from reality.  Our dreams are trying to tell us something.  There is a lesson to be learned in everything and dreams aren’t any different.  In my uninhibited dream state, I am looking for more career fulfillment.  Therefore, I should really examine my position now and see if I want something else. 

 

I’ll have the occasional dream where the world is totally different than reality.  I’ve had my share of flying dreams and others of that sort.  It’s funny how you never realize you’re in a dream at the time.  Whenever I wake up from such a dream I think to myself, “self, how could you not realize that was a dream?”  I’ve done a little bit of reading on lucid dreaming, and it seems that these are the types of dreams where it is most applicable.  The wild dreams offer us more clues that we are in a dream world.  Once we realize that we are the architect of the dream, we should be able to provide real time updates and paint the world around us.  There are drawbacks to this, however.  Once we realize that we are the architect of the dream, we begin to create the world as we want it, not as we unconsciously believe it to be.  When this happens, my previous statement about using our dreams to test our being becomes weakened (or totally voided). 

 

We also all experience nightmares – ghosts, goblins, and things that go bump in the night.  I’ve had my fill of nights spent running away from Michael Myers.  Nightmares are the release of anxiety and other negative feelings that our subconscious holds.  Like I said, we are the architect of our dreams.  If our day is filled with fear and anxiety, it will flow over into our dreams.  Luckily, I have these terror style nightmares very infrequently.  I guess I am pretty calm before I go to bed.  I also don’t want a lot of horror movies.  That being said, I do find myself waking up in a panic quite often.  Here we have a nightmare of a different kind.

 

As the architect of our dreams, our subconscious paints our dream world as we think the real world should be.  Often times, our ideal world, and our reality are different.  This can come from a variety of factors:  external influences from society, decisions that we’ve made, loss…etc.  We can have these super realistic dreams where everything that we want is true.  Everything that we long for during the day is ours.  When we wake up we realize, in an instant, that those things aren’t true.  My dream last night was that way.  I was standing on the beach with someone who I last saw when I was 13.  It was so fulfilling to be able to talk with them, and share my feelings.  When I woke up, I became brutally aware that it was just a dream.  That person I was talking to was just a projection of 11 year old memories.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that.  It’s around this point that your heart sinks to some kind of low level.  Often, when I wake up from a dream like this in the middle of the night, my heart is racing too much to go back to sleep.  It’s horrible.     

 

I’ve been having a lot of dreams like this lately.  I can’t control the style of my dreams.  What I’ve been trying to do is find the positive in these dreams.  The time I spend asleep with people that have exited my life in one way or another can be painful in the morning.  It can also be comforting.  At least it is a chance to interact with them.  At least your memories can live on in the present.  Sure it isn’t real, but you still retain the memory of the dream into your day.  The advice that they give you isn’t coming from them, but it is coming from your unconscious mind.  Listen to it!  These interactions are a way for your conscious and subconscious to converse without inhibition. 

 

Everybody dreams, we remember some, we forget most.  Our dreams may not make sense to us. We may love our dreams, and we may hate them.  I was lent a book once that gave explanations for your dreams (for instance, if you dreamt about a zebra it would tell you that you were in need of some sort of social distinction).  I don’t believe any of that stuff.  Everybody is different, so everybody’s zebra meaning will be different to.  What is crucial to remember here is that dreams serve as a path through our mind.  They allow our conscious and subconscious to speak to each other.  There are major lessons to be learned here.  Don’t dismiss them in the morning.  Think about them, listen to them, and learn from them!  

 

 

Beauty in the Night

Last night I attended a production of Oscar Wilde’s great The Importance of Being Earnest at the Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival near Bethlehem (yes – apparently they do more than Shakespeare).  The play was outstanding and I could go on for pages about it, but: 1:  there aren’t pages on this interface, so it would just be one really long entry, 2:  this entry is not a review.  Let’s just say that I have never laughed so hard in a theatre before and move on.  The play let out around 10:20 and then it was time for me to begin to drive back to lovely Churchville, Pennsylvania.  Normally, when I head to the Bethlehem area I take Route 309.  I’ve done a considerable amount of driving and I have to say that the stretch of 309 between Quakertown and Bethlehem is my favorite stretch of road anywhere.  I have many great memories riding on it as a child, and many as an adult.  When my grandmother would take us to the mountains when we were little we would always use the Quakertown Burger King as our “let the kids stretch their legs” stop.  When older, 309 served as the road that took me into Bethlehem for my yearly teaching at Lehigh Microscopy School.  LMS week was a very special time for me.  I found great satisfaction in being able to pass on some knowledge about sample preparation to inquisitive minds.  It was also nice that I would stay out to last call every night with the world’s best microscopists.  We had fun – lots of fun.  There was also a time when I spent two hours on 309 trying to clean myself up which culminated with me shaving in a Sonic bathroom.  Alas, this entry is not about 309 either.  Last night, I decided for a change so I took the 412 to 611 route home.  This way is much more rural. 

 

I love driving at night, especially on rural roads.  Highways are nice, but they are very bland.  Rural roads allow you to see the soul of the areas that you pass through.  A lot of time is spent on winding roads through the woods.  You’re focused on keeping your car between the yellow line to the left and the white line to the right.  The trees close over your head so it’s as if you’re driving through a never ending tunnel.  Eventually you emerge into some little town.  It is dark; the town is asleep.  Half a mile down you see a light beckoning for you to come closer.    As you approach the writing becomes clear:  “Ralph’s Feed and Grain.”  The light stands as a monument to the people of this little town.  Some guy, Ralph, has his whole life invested in that sign.  You get a fleeting glimpse of it as you cruise by, but Ralph looks at that sign each morning before he starts his 12 hour day.  You’ll pass another 50 signs like that on your way home and each is the same – stores that the townspeople rely on, run by folks who have devoted their lives to providing services. 

 

I always drive at night with the sunroof open and the windows down.  That way you can smell your environment.  For a while you can smell someone’s wood burning fireplace.  A little while later you can smell the corn field that you are passing.  It gives you a better connection to the land that you are traveling through.  At any point, weather permitting, you can look up and see the heavens staring back at you.  Thousands of stars, assembled to watch you make your journey home.  Do they know something that we don’t?  I highly doubt it – science says that we will be long dead before they see us.  Likewise, they may be long dead before we ever see them.  Still, I always wish them a good evening.

 

The sound of your ride cannot be neglected.  For me, I always play Mazzy Star’s So Tonight that I Might See.  It’s the perfect soundscape for night driving.  Its melancholy sounds are those of a dreamland.  To me, night driving is like being in a dream.   Everything is dark so you have to envision your own surroundings.   You paint your environment as you see fit.  And then there are the non-musical sounds.  The wind that rushing through my windows was blowing around the pages of a letter filled notebook on my back seat.  That got me thinking about those letters.  The wind can be thought provoking if you let it.  You also may hear the sounds of other passing vehicles.  It’s nice to know that there are other people out there doing the same thing you are.  I wonder if they are giving it as much thought. 

 

Somewhere around the halfway point, you start to get tired.  For me, it starts with a headache.  It’s that sort of uncomfortable feeling where you say to yourself, “Self, I would love to go to bed, but I have a feeling that once I do, I’ll just lay there wide awake.”  It’s a feeling of exhaustion without any accompaniment from sleepiness.  The relaxing qualities of the night entice your brain to think about the things that define you.  It’s a time for honest reflection.  What do I want?  What have I done?  Where do I want to go?  Why did I react that way?  Things like that.  This sort of stuff tuckers a man out.  By the time you get almost home, the sleepiness has arrived.  You stare off into space, trying your hardest to keep you car between the lines.

 

When you finally get home, you’re not tired anymore.  You crawl into bed and stare at your ceiling.  There is a sense of accomplishment.  You were a journeyman – exploring through the darkness of the land and the darkness of your mind.  It’s a magnificent feeling; it’s a passion of mine.  Night driving gives a man a feeling of complete self-reliance.  How he chooses to fill that time is his own issue.  I would recommend really allowing his mind to wander – he might just find something wonderful.

 

 

 

 

Our Dream Job: workplace fulfillment

Did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?  Were you one of the kids who had his heart set on a plan from an early age?  I was.  Ever since I can remember, I knew that I wanted to be a pilot.  My father was a pilot, my grandfather was a pilot.  I wanted to be a pilot.  But here I am, 24 years old, a mechanical engineer; wish his quest for a private pilot’s license put on hold.  What went wrong?  I’m not sure that anything did.  Even when I went away to college to study engineering, I still wanted to be a pilot.  The mechanical engineering degree was meant only to be a high paying backup in the event that I was not able to fly down the road for medical reasons.  Flying is expensive, so I would need a high paying job to be able to finance getting a commercial pilot’s rating anyway.  So I get out of school and get myself a job as a mechanical engineer.  My starting salary was better than that of most entry level pilots.  Why would I take a pay cut to fly?  Let’s get back to that later.

 

So why is it that so many people wind up with jobs that they didn’t ever dream of doing when they were children?  First off:  we are ignorant when we are children.  This is no fault of our own.  We have no idea about what taking a particular job means in a practical sense.  Many children want to be cowboys, astronauts, models, professional athletes, and entertainers.  Very rarely do you ever hear a kid say, “I wanna be a public claims adjustor.”  There isn’t much romance in a position like that.  When we are kids, romance is all we care about.  We want the flashy things that look grandiose to our little minds.  We want to do what we see in the cartoons that we watch.  Sounds pretty stupid, right?  I don’t think it does. 

 

Despite the fact that we don’t know much when we are whipper-snappers , we do know what  we want.  We do know what thrills us.  Granted, we don’t know the full scope of what our decision making will do, but we don’t have to.  That’s why we’re kids.  The kid inside of us is smarter than you think.  If we really want something, we can take care of the issues standing between us and our dreams.  I believe that with various amounts of hard work and sacrifice and person can become a cowboy, astronaut, model, athlete or entertainer.  We may have to work much harder to get there, but it can be done.

 

Most of us don’t hold on to our dreams long enough to let them affect our decision on university study.  By then we get into the whole, “golly, what do I want to do” scenario.  Personally I struggled with this decision.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer so I was interested in pursuing an English degree.  An English degree wouldn’t serve as well as a backup degree as mechanical engineering would (I could write a book without an English degree, but I couldn’t get a high paying job in the aerospace field with an English degree).  After much deliberation I chose the engineering route.  At least I narrowed it down to two majors.  I know plenty of people who went to college undeclared because they still weren’t sure. 

 

Everything I’ve said so far about getting the job you want has rested on the idea that you are willing to work harder than anything you’ve ever done to get there.  If you’re not, you’re probably wasting your time.  Tons of people go to school with a dream and pursue a major, but don’t really have success getting a job in that field afterwards.  Part of that is a product of the economy.  The jobs might just not be there.   Some people don’t have the desire to get their dream job.  I’m not saying that’s wrong.  I wouldn’t move to Montana to get a job in my field, if there was an almost equally attractive local job (even if it didn’t really require me to use my degree).  This brings me to my next point:  How much do you want your dream job?

 

Everybody has a dream job.  But a dream job is just one of our dreams.  We have to prioritize all of our dreams before we fight for any one of them.  Take, for instance, the man who wants to start a family.  His dream job is to play in a rock and roll band.  He plays in bars every Friday and Saturday night until 2 A.M. He loves the lifestyle.  He watched Empire Records too many times and now he can’t see himself working anywhere else but the record store that he started working in when he was 19.  He is living the dream -- but thing have changed.  He met a woman and fell in love.   They got married.  Kid one is in a bassinet, kid number two is on the way.  Suddenly, our pal finds himself in a bit of a tricky situation.  He loves his dream job, but it’s hard for him to really devote the right amount of time to his pregnant wife and baby.  Despite the fact that his wife has a good job as a high school math teacher, and they aren’t doing bad financially, he wants his family to be secure.  He sees the best approach to security would be for him to quit the record store and actually start using the finance degree that he went to college for.  He hates the rat race -- who doesn’t?  But the love for his family is so strong that they are, by far, his first priority.  He quits his job, and gets a secure job with better pay, and with actual benefits.  Of course when he wakes up each morning, he doesn’t feel the thrill that he did when he would go to the record store, but he feels content.  He has that feeling of satisfaction knowing that when he holds his child at night, he is confident that she will have a better life – the best life he could possibly give her.

 

So in the end, our dream job might not be our biggest dream.  Then again it might just be.  As for me, I always thought that my job would be my biggest dream.  As it turns out I have bigger dreams.  The good news is that I can achieve both my biggest dream, and my career dream.  It will take some effort on my part, but I intend to live out my dream and become a pilot.  It actually shouldn’t be very hard at this point.   I just have to put my nose to the grindstone and get cracking.  So, no I didn’t do anything wrong.  I got a little sidetracked along the way, but that is to be expected.  I have so much time in front of me to get what I want.  And I will get what I want.  And you can too.  I suggest you try for it. 

 

 

 

Faith, Fate, and the Father

I’m a practicing Roman Catholic and have been for my whole life.  I spent only two years in parochial school (grades 2 and 3) but received religious education via CCD programs through 8^th grade.  As a kid I was an altar server.  During college I started questioning my faith.  Was there a God?  Was this God a good God?  It is difficult, at times, to be both a man of science and a man of God.  Clearly, some of the things that I was learning about in my science courses conflicted with the teachings in the Bible.  It brought me to a crossroads.  I stood there for a very long time.  I asked myself a lot of questions. 

 

How can religion and science coexist when science teaches the proven theory of evolution while religion teachers the concept of creation.  This one bothered me for a while.  Honestly, I guess I still believe there to be more accuracy in the New Testament than the Old, mostly because the Old Testament takes place over a much greater span of time so there is more reason for inaccuracy and “filling in the squares.”  I came to the conclusion that God’s span of time is not like ours, so His day for creating man could equate to thousands of years worth of earth evolution.

 

I was also conflicted about the discrepancies of teachings between Catholicism and other Christian faiths.  For example, Catholics pray to saints while most other forms of Christianity do not.  Are we wrong for doing this?  Are we worshipping someone besides God?  Well, no.   Again, the concept of time in heaven is far different than that on earth.  If we ask a Saint to pray for us, they have an unlimited amount of “earth time” to do so.  We don’t, so it’s not really a bad thing to ask for a little help from above.

 

I could go on about these issues, but I think two should suffice.  You may be asking yourself, why even believe in God?  The existence of God cannot be proven, while the existence of science can.  Personally, I believe that they can co-exist.  And, of course, I don’t hold the magic to prove the existence of God.  I can’t; nobody can.  But that’s one of the reasons that God is special.  It takes effort on your part to believe in Him.  You’d be a fool not to believe that the ocean exists, right?   So yes, we all believe that the ocean exists.  There’s nothing special about that belief.  But with God, you are throwing your trust out there, you are willing to accept and believe in something that only works indirectly.  There’s a comfort associated with taking that leap of faith.  Believing isn’t easy, but the rewards are bountiful.  That’s how I see it.

 

You could also take the cynic’s approach:  Well I don’t know if God exists but I guess I’ll believe.  I’d rather die and find out I’m wrong, than live my life however I want and find out at the end that God is real.  Sure, that’s a valid way of looking at things, and is probably better than not believing, but the heart really isn’t in it here.  You can’t get a lot out of it if you’re not putting much in.  Like the Beatles said, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”  That applies here just as much.  Sure you might get yourself to heaven, but you’re going to have a tough time of it on the way.

 

I can speak about this, because this is the approach that I took during my questioning phase.  I went to church, I said the occasional rosary, but I never really felt connected.  God seemed to be a distant monolith that had too much to do to worry about something as miniscule as the goings on in my life.  I didn’t feel able to converse with God.  For a while I even started wondering, if this God of ours is a bad God.  If you have this person, God, who is all powerful, he could be a maniacal being who is having fun playing God  and showing us mimed compassion while he inflicts torture on the planet.  If you ever pick up a newspaper and read about what is going on in the world, this wouldn’t be a hard thing to think of, especially if you were already questioning everything. 

 

Luckily for me, in the last few years I’ve grown out of this.  I started to really believe, but I still wasn’t getting much out of it.  I’d try praying, but I was never really successful.  It felt like talking to a wall.  All my praying really amounted to was me thanking God for my blessings.  I’ve always been afraid to ask Him for anything.  He’s given me a lot already; what right do I have to ask for more?  What right do I have to ask for something for myself while there are children starving in Africa?  For years I asked God for nothing.  Recently, I’ve started praying daily, visiting the church adoration chapel for reflection, and just kind of sitting in the sanctuary.  I’ve really tried to let my walls and inhibitions down and let me heart speak freely.  It has worked wonders for me.  I’ve asked for strength to overcome my issues.  I’ve asked God to help me carry the load so that I can focus on improving myself.  I’ve asked for forgiveness and for the ability to forgive myself.  After a while I began to feel like the blackness that was plaguing me was falling away.  I feel light again.  It’s magnificent.  I’m very thankful for these blessings.  I certainly will no longer have any issues really exposing my heart to God. 

 

I also like to visit my Grandparents grave site once a week (it was usually years between visits).  My grandfather was 16 when he lied about his age to join the Navy to fight in World War II.  He came back and worked his way through the ranks of the Philadelphia Fire Department retiring as a captain.  He died when I was six, so my memories of him are a little hazy, but he was a man of great strength.  Everybody that talks about him speaks of how strong he was, both physically and mentally.  I just kind of sit there any talk and hope that he is listening.  I ask him to help keep me strong.  My grandmother died when I was 13.  Luckily I have great memories of her.  When I was very small she bought two picture atlases, one for me and one for her.  She’d call me and we would both open our atlases to the same page and take trips around the various countries.  It’s what got me interested in learning.  I owe my grandmother a tremendous debt.  She was fun, probably the most fun person I’ve ever met.  I used to love watching her and her friends sit around the table, drink coffee, and laugh.   All they would do was laugh.  I ask her to help keep me lighthearted.  That is when I excel; I am best when I am lighthearted. 

 

So now when I pray, I thank God for my blessings, I ask him for my intentions, and then I ask him questions.  I don’t have this faith thing fully figured out.  Who does?  My biggest question and one that has been very relevant to me recently is the subject of fate.  You hear people say things like, “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a reason for everything.”  I believe this.  There is also destiny.  You are destined for your career.  You are destined to find “the one,” fall in love, and get married.  Is there a one?  Is there a predetermined person?   I tend to think so.  Or at least that’s what I’ve gotten from watching Say Anything too many times in high school.  But God also gives us free will.  So how do free will and fate work hand in hand?  I haven’t figured that out yet.  If God has a plan for us, but gives us free will, we could possibly act in a way different than his will.  Let’s use romance as an example as it is easy for everybody to comprehend.  If person X and person Y are meant to be together (as determined by a higher power) and person X decides that person Y isn’t right, he may wind up choosing person Z.  Now person Z and person F were meant to be together, but at a later time.  Z, being unaware that fate had slated F for them decides that person Y is pretty groovy.  They get married.  Now what is person F supposed to do?  See what I mean here.  This starts a chain reaction that would throw of the balance of fate.  That is unless fate had predetermined this all along.  In that case, the free will is gone and we are a slave to fate.

 

As far as I can think, I’d guess that fate dictates that X and Y are supposed to be together.  That is fate.  If X chooses not to be with Y, he has chosen to step outside of fate’s bounds.  Now as X approaches Z, he is attempting to pull Z out of her own bounds of fate.  Perhaps she won’t go?  Or perhaps it will be hard for her?  Possibly F will come into the picture sooner than expected in fate’s last ditch effort to remain relevant.  I guess that’s what fate does.  Fate shifts to try to remain relevant.  But I don’t really know.  I don’t know if fate or free will or stronger.  That’s why I’m going to keep praying. 

 

I find prayer to be very helpful in keeping us strong from temptation as well.  I believe in the Father of Lies, and that he is attempting, at all times, to lead us astray from the truth.  From what I see in today’s society, I think that he is doing a very good job.  It’s a scary thing to face.  I stood face to face with him once.  It was a terrifying experience.  Luckily, my faith allowed me to overcome.  But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t still trying to get me, you, and everybody else.  That’s his goal.  His deception is so great that he makes his world seem appealing.  It isn’t.  It puts blackness on your soul, and prevents you from seeing the truth.  I urge you to really think about this, and really try to keep your life on the straight and narrow.  If you’ve already fallen off, really think about the benefits where you are now.  What is it really getting you?  How do you feel when you wake up in the morning? 

 

A lot of people seem to fall away from religion when things get rough.  “Oh yeah, God?  Well where are you now?  Why have you forsaken me?”  Things do get rough.  That’s the time when it is most critical to have a relationship with God.  Let God help you through it.  Everybody has a cross to bear.  You can do it on your own, or you can do it with some help.  He will help.  He has helped me. 

 

I understand that religion is a sensitive topic.  It’s a topic that I’ve never spoken publicly about before (unless asked).  It has always been a very personal thing for me.  I hate when people try to shove their opinions down my throat, so I am unwilling to do that to others.  I respect the religious beliefs of everybody, no matter how much they differ from mine.  I don’t believe that members of other religions, agnostics, and atheists will all go to hell.  A benevolent God would not do that.  I think that the key to heaven lies more in the way that a person carries themselves on this planet rather than what building they walk into, if any, on the Sabbath.  Some of you reading this assume that I am crazy for believing what I do.  I respect that as well. 

 

I can tell you that my relationship with God has brought me many blessings.  My relationship hasn’t always been strong.  In fact it got down right rocky there for a while.  Like all relationships, troubles arise.  They may crush you.  But if you have the strength, faith, and resolve to work through it, the relationship will only be stronger on the other side.  The continuing struggle to get through issues will result in an unbreakable bond.  This is when your love grows into a superpower.  Like all relationships, it is a two way street.  God gives to us, and we in turn give to God.  If it was totally one sided, it wouldn’t be very fulfilling.  It may be hard to be humble enough to give it a try, but it is so worth it.  I have and now I feel like a new man.  I open my eyes and see the world with complete clarity.   I never feel alone.  Doesn’t that sound good?  I wrote this on my blog (you didn’t have to read it if you didn’t want to).  I won’t start knocking on your door to speak to you.  But if anybody ever wishes to talk about this stuff, please feel free to let me know.    God Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

July 2013: The most pivotal month of my life

It's time to reflect on the last month.  Here I am, sitting in my bed, following my nightly ritual.  Whenever I come back home late from Philly, I stop at the  Wawa on Bustleton Pike to get myself one of those nice, zero calorie, Powerades.  Normally, when I travel with my bagpipes, I NEVER leave them in my car overnight.  However, tonight there was a skunk prowling around my car when I parked so I figured it best to not go to my trunk.  I'm a little nervous about leaving my pipes there.  If you know where I live, please do not rob me tonight; I'd be heart broken.  Thanks.  I don't really use the lights in my room, so I keep the TV remote right by the door so that I can use it for light.  Normally I throw a movie on before I get writing.  Tonight is 1948's Key Largo. I take my desk chair and move it next to my bed to act as my nightstand.  I grab my computer, prop my pillow up against my headboard and start thinking about what I should write about.  The last month has been pivotal for me, so I guess it would make sense to write a bit about that.  A more personal entry.

Firstly, some bad things happened to me early this month.  I made some mistakes and alienated some folks I really care about.  It really got me down until I had an epiphany staring at my grandfather clock one night.  I won't rehash this stuff, but if you're interested, just go back a ways and you can read what I've already written on that subject.  Long story short, I was able to use my mistakes as fuel to examine myself, admit my faults and, in turn, gain strength.  It has worked tremendously.  I am no longer afraid to express myself.  I care what other people think, but not enough to let me alter the way that I do things.  With this growth, I was able to hone my self discipline.  I finally had the drive to start eating healthy and exercising.  Since July 1 I've lost 25 pounds -- I'm proud of that.

I've, obviously, started writing again.  These blog entries are a way for me to start exercising my creative mind.  I've always wanted to a novel.  I've started a bunch of times, but have never been able to really get the ball rolling.  As a test run I have started writing a treatment for the Pete and Pete reunion special idea that has been floating in my head for a few years.  Hopefully this will allow me to segue into my novel writing.

I've put aside some time for scholarly pursuits.  I have taken to reading the types of books that I read in high school:  William James, Skinner, Nietzsche, the list goes on.  It feels so good to read these books that are fodder for the mind.  I feel smart; I am smart.  I also devote some free time each day to study the French language books that I bought.  The accompanying cd's are played in my car instead of music (some of the time).

Long story short: It's never too late to change the road you're on.  No matter what we have done, each and every day going forward is an opportunity for growth.  It's lousy to waste them.  Take each day to make yourself better.  When you are sitting in bed (as I am now) your brain will feel alive.  It's such a magnificent feeling to have your mind perfectly in tune.  You can't let uncertainty stop you.  Just embrace life, and let the chips fall where they will.  If you want to be successful, I suggest that you follow this advice:  Rest your troubles above, put your problems behind, and keep your eyes forward.  If you do this, you'll at least be able to keep your mind at ease.  You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.  So, please, remember just worry about making yourself  the best person possible.  If you do that, and mix it with a little prayer, things might just work out.  And if they don't you'll at least know that you gave it your all.  Believe in yourself, that's the place to start.

Conflict Resolution Part Four: Letting Go

Suppose we have a legitimate reason to relinquish our struggle for conflict resolution.  Perhaps we've been spending most of our time and money on golf lessons hoping that someday we would make the pros.  After a while of lessons, we realize that we don't have innate skill required to be an excellent golfer.  Our family life is also suffering because we aren't giving enough time to our spouse and children.  Of course we want to be a pro golfer.  In fact we dream about it every night.  But we are hurting our family in the process.  We are wasting away our time and money, knowing that the outcome we want will not come.  We love our family more than ourselves.  At this point, it's probably time to pack it in.  This is what we call letting go.

Letting go can be very difficult.  Basically we have to take our wants and throw them aside for some greater reason. It's not easy to put someone else before us.  It's hard to accept defeat.  But is it defeat?  By letting go, you've put some great need (whether it be someone else's or our own) before one of our great wants.  There is a sense of peace that comes from this.  It allows us to move forward -- to grow and develop.

Letting go does not initially feel like conflict resolution.  You will second guess yourself for a very long time.  It is important to have faith in yourself.  If you don't you will be quite unsuccessful at letting go.  Perhaps letting go isn't the right option.  That takes a lot of soul searching.  Take some time to really think about this. Perhaps you're thinking irrationally.  It is crucial that in all aspects of life, we work hard to keep the impulsive and irrational parts of our mind as far away from each other as possible.  Keep them at bay until you can find that shining light to guide you in your decision making.

Is letting go even conflict resolution?  Clearly, we didn't get what we want; but we don't always get what we want.  How is this different from giving up?  Aren't we still running away from our problems?  No.  We are putting the needs of others (or our own greater good) before ourselves.  We are handing over our struggle and resolving the greater conflict.  We aren't running from our problem.  We are saying, "for me to really try to win this thing, I'm going to cause a lot of intermediate damage.  That isn't worth it to me." or "I can't do anything about this.  All I will accomplish doing is hurting myself and those around me.  No matter what, I refuse to do that."  Lately, I've found religious reflection and praying as a good way to find comfort in these situations.  It helps to be able to hand some of your burden off.  You'll never feel alone.  Above all, having faith will help dampen your vacillation and keep your eyes trained to your guiding light.

So when conflict arises, you have to decide whether to fight, weather the storm, give up, or let go.  Regardless of your choice, you have to be willing to accept both victory and defeat.  We win some, we lose some.  We must remember that everything happens for a reason (or at least everything that happens offers some lesson to be learned and helps define us).  It's best to take time to really think about the situation before you make any decisions.  It's also crucial to listen to your mind and heart more than anything else.  Rarely will they serve you wrong.  As to which method of conflict resolution to choose:  The choice is yours and yours alone.

Conflict Resolution Part Three: Giving Up

"Never ever give up."  We've all seen this poster.  It's true, you know.  Never ever give up.

Giving up is the third way that we can approach conflict resolution.  We've tried fighting for what we believe in, we've tried weathering the storm and hoping that the skies will clear in time. When these don't work, it's natural to want to throw in the towel.  Things have gotten hard, there is no end in sight.  We stand at what we believe to be the brink of failure and run away.  This is the method of a coward.

Whenever we are faced with the need to make a decision, our brain goes through a rapid fire series of questions to populate an internal, decision making matrix.  This is where we weigh our desires, concerns, curiosities, and fears.  The culmination of these pieces produces our want. From there our want leads us to make our decision.  Perhaps we will say, "I don't really want this."  That is fine.  Sometimes, even often, we decide that we don't want something.  But let's say we do want something.  For the sake of argument, let's say that we want to write a novel.  We get 75 pages in and we realize that we should really have somebody else take a look at what we've written.  Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of self confidence and are petrified of criticism.  We've found ourselves in quite the quandary. We want nothing more than to write a novel, but we are too afraid to let anyone read our work. We take the easy way out. We stop writing and forget about it.  We gave up.

Giving up and running away can be used interchangeably.  Giving up is when we let a non-legitimate concern keep us from following what our heart tells us.  There is never any reason to allow this.  Every time we feel the need to give up, we should take that as sign to strengthen up, dig our trench, and get ready to fight. We are blessed with the opportunity to work hard to get what we want.  It's a sin to not take advantage of that because of our fears.  Never let your dreams waste away because of your fears -- that is far from the path to happiness.  Giving up leaves us only with feelings of guilt and regret. And who wants that?