Confessions and Metamorphosis

I am writing in this blog, for now anyway, as a means of self discovery.  I am learning more about myself by putting thoughts down in writing.  It also serves as a nice reference down the road when I question where I stand on things.  The last month has tried me more than any other.  I'm fairly lucky to be able to say that I can count the amount of egregious mistakes (mistakes I've made when I have ignored myself and gone against my inner compass) on one hand.  Unfortunately, these are the types of mistakes that weigh deep on a man's soul.  These are the types of mistakes that hurt the ones we love.  I'm not always good at being honest with myself.  I have trouble writing down the hard truth even if it is in a book of mine that nobody will ever read.  This behaviour has cost me a great casualty and has allowed unnecessary sadness to befall those who don't deserve it .   I figure that it would be a good exercise to lay everything out here in a public format.  A stripping of walls if you will:

I like myself, generally.  I'm a happy guy.  I'm a human and, therefore, I'm fallible.  I had an epiphany the other night.  I was standing at the base of my stairs, just staring at my grandfather clock (wrote about this a few days ago -- go catch up and come back) on my way to fetch a glass of water.  I hadn't been able to sleep for hours.  Instead I was thinking about the last month or so, wondering how things would have turned out had I done things differently.  As per usual with sleepless concern, my mind then went down the road of examining every single possible future outcome that could make things worse than they are here and now.  Anyway, while staring at that clock I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks.  "Who the heck am I?"  I thought to myself.  I felt like a stranger inside of my own body.  Earlier that day I had been talking to a friend whom I had upset, without realizing that by not giving them space, I was only upsetting them more.  How could I not see that?  I probably could have, and should have.  That's not the kind of person that I am.  It was selfish of me. 

I went back to bed and kept thinking; trying to figure out how I got to where I was.  I did some things in high school that made some people pretty upset.  It doesn't bother me now, but it did for a very long time.  When I went away to school this stuff was weighing pretty heavy on my mind.  It didn't help that I was suddenly challenged academically for the first time in my life.  I felt like I wasn't smart because things weren't coming as easy for me.  As a defence mechanism, I adopted my personality to be that of the funny party guy.  I always had jokes,  I could chug beers faster than anybody, I was dumb.  It gave me relief for a while, but it's hard to get out from under an identity like that, even when it no longer makes you feel any better.  I partied too much.  I allowed acting like a clown  to a release for me.  This was so different than how I felt inside, but there wasn't any use stopping it.  I don't want this to sound like I had a drinking problem -- I didn't.  This is concerning the way I acted.  Nonetheless, people got the wrong idea about me and, at the same time, I began to actually believe that I wasn't smart.  

This behaviour was unjustified.  I felt like I was letting myself down, but I didn't have any self confidence so there didn't really seem to be anything to do about it.  I had just adopted this mentality.  The mentality of a coward.  It would really bum me out to see little kids playing.  Seeing the innocence of children served as constant reminder to me about how I had let myself down and sacrificed my own innocence for nothing.  

I was in a bad spot.  My self confidence was shot.  This affected my personal, professional, and scholastic lives.  I was too afraid to take a stand for myself.  I was afraid that people wouldn't like me if I was more assertive and used my brain.  I think a lot.  I always have.  When I'm deep in thought people often say to me, "Hey, come on John, smile."  "Are you okay?"  I hate that.  Just because I am deep in thought doesn't mean that I am unhappy.  Often times I am happy, I'm just thinking.  Still it served as another barrier from trying to break away from my identity.  

Somewhere along the line I developed a mindset that I not only could but HAD to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Perhaps I was just too embarrassed to admit my shortcomings to others.  Like I said, I'm not good at being open about this stuff.  When problems would arise, I wouldn't say anything.  I'd just hold everything in and carry on.  Eventually the pressure becomes too great, and I decide to run.  Again like a coward.  I desperately seek the approval of others and often screw things up when I'm trying to gain that approval.  I don't care for conflict.  I really dislike saying no.  Often time I try to save two things at once.  This generally amounts to me putting off actually dealing with them until the pressure becomes to great.  I snap, make a rash decision and wing up losing one if not both of the things I set out to save.  Not an admirable trait.  It makes me act like a fool.  It caused me to lose one of my closest friends.  It was all my fault.  Worst of all it could have all been avoided if I had the courage to believe in myself.  Remember that even your strongest beliefs can be compromised if you don't believe in yourself.  That is the foundation.  With a weak foundation even the strongest buildings will fall.  

The reader (you) might be thinking to yourself, "Why the heck is this guy telling us all of this junk?"  The answer is simple, because these are part of the things that make me who I am.  I told you that I had an epiphany.  That's what it was!  I realized how messed up I had been acting.  That's not who I am.  I'm not a coward.  I'm not a creep.  Please take a moment to read this poem before we continue.  

"If" by Rudyard Kipling.  This is the poem that I told myself as a young man would serve as a reference for what I wanted to represent as a man.  When things got tough, I'd read this poem and use it to regain strength and composure.  I had a copy of it hanging on my wall in college.  I guess I didn't read it much.  I have now.

I feel reborn.  I am not a coward, I am not a jerk.  I am not a man who runs from his problems.  I am an intellectual.  The pursuit of knowledge is a quest that I will continue until I pass from this earth.  I am a romantic.  I want to love and share with someone who wants to do the same with me.  I am a crusader for my beliefs.  I will not compromise those beliefs for anyone or anything.  I am a man who takes advice from his friends, but ultimately follows the mantra "to thine own self be true."  I am not a man who spends his time chugging beers and eating cheesesteaks every single day.  I am a man who will have command of his body, and will train it to serve his bidding.  I will be in the best physical shape of my life.  I am not a man who comes home from work and watches TV until bed time.  I am a man who will use that time to better himself -- to write, to learn, to grow.  I will fight for what is right.

I've made mistakes.  I just made a huge one.  I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, lonely.... the list goes on.  But I'll tell you all something.  Moping around in my own self pity won't make anything better.  Listening to my "sad song" playlist isn't going to make things any better.  What I have done, I have done.  Like I said in an earlier post:  you can't get back the time that has passed.  You can't undo your decisions.  We are given the freedom to make our own decisions.  This is a wonderful gift, but it comes at a price.  We NEED to be responsible, and really think things out.  Our decisions do not only affect us, but those around us.  We need to take this into consideration.  But once they've been made all we can do is move forward.  Never, ever forget what you have done.   Don't dwell on it.  What is the use of dwelling on something that you can't change?  Use it.  Let it feed your desire to better yourself.  Make your mistakes the fodder of your growth so that you don't make them again.

I've had to pay a terrible price for this realization.  Epiphanies seem to come around later than we would like them to.  But there is some light at the end of the tunnel here.  How can you define "too late?"  You can't.  Not when you're looking into the future anyway.  The future is totally unwritten.  Your future is what you make it.  Sure you can't control what others are going to do, but that shouldn't bother you anyway.  All you can do is be yourself, and have faith in the rest.

I find prayers to be very helpful.  I've been spending a lot of time in church lately praying and reflecting.  I've also started asking God for help with things (something I've felt a little sheepish about doing in the past).  His ear has provided me great solace. My mind feels sharper now than it has in the last 8 years.  I honestly feel like a new man.  Not a new man, but an enhanced version of myself.  I can see the light.  Of course this is only the beginning of my journey.  I don't expect to have this baggage dropped away in a few weeks.  But now I believe in myself 100%.  Between that and having God on my side, I can't lose.  

I am going to storm my upcoming challenges.  I am going to fight for what is right.  I am going to push myself to get stronger and stronger.  I am going to work to reclaim the things that I have lost as a result of my weakness.  

If any of you think that I won't be able to do this, I have two words for you:

watch me. 

Greeting the Morning. Routines.

Some people like waking up and some people don’t. I’m a morning person so it doesn’t seem to bother me much. I have a little routine that I follow that seems to work pretty well.



The first thing that I do when I wake up is look at my clock. It generally reads sometime between 2 and 4 AM.  I try to fall back asleep but it doesn’t work. I feel the desire to pick up my phone and look at what Facebook has been doing for the 4 hours I’ve been asleep, but that seems to be a waste of time to me so I’ve taken to writing blog entries. After writing for an hour or so I feel ready to fall back asleep (thank goodness). I have another set of dreams which are generally not too dissimilar from my first set. My dreams most often are very realistic.



I’ll wake up again sometime between 5:30 and 6:30AMThere is no going back from this point. At this point the mind in groggy and doesn’t do a great job of thinking. I spend a few moments thinking about the dream I just woke up from and have to tell myself that it was all a dream. It’s imperative to really let this sink into my brain because there have been times in the past when I have mistook sequences in dreams for reality. This only leads to confusion and embarrassment.



I also usually have some sort of great idea when I wake up (I’m not sure if this is related to the dreams that I have). “Gonna start a revolution from my bed.” I’ll sit there and think about how I will put this idea into motion and fix the world’s problems. Luckily, by the time I reach the shower I realize that I am not a swash buckler and that the great idea that I had is really pretty lousy. Damn you dreams.



At this point I’ll look over to my clock again. My clock is set for 6:30AM I haven’t heard the alarm in weeks. Is don’t know about you guys, but beating the clock and not having to hear that god forsaken beeping sound is about the best start to a day that a man can ask for. I quickly reach over and turn my alarm clock off. Already one victory and the day is only minutes old.



To make sure that I don’t fall back asleep, I turn on the TV and scan for something good to watch. Between 5 and 6 in the morning this generally winds up being Married….with Children or Full House. If I’m in luck in might find a better program, but it doesn’t really matter. As soon as I settle on something good to watch, I get out of bed and go take my shower. Finding the TV program is kind of a waste, but it’s part of the routine so it stays. As a side note, this can really bite you in the rear. Today when I left for my shower, Full House was on. When I returned it was Dora the Explorer. I hate Dora the Explorer.

I won’t go into detail about my showering routine. You probably don’t care what brand of toothpaste I use (Crest for that fresh feel!). When all of that is done, I head back to my room and get dressed for the day (jeans, short sleeve collared shirt, safety shoes). As they say, the engineer’s wardrobe is outfitted by JC Penny. Oh well. I don’t get visitors to my apartment anymore, but I still make my bed and straighten up every morning. A clean room is a display of self discipline – something we all can never have enough of. I switch off the TV and look around the room to make sure I’m not missing anything. I fold my little blanket and place it on my desk. I’ll sit at my computer and read through the blog post I wrote in the middle of the night. Sometimes I make some changes, other times I don’t. I’ll post the entry. I turn off the AC and my fan. I’m ready to go. I read my card. I leave my room.



I don’t eat breakfast or drink coffee at my apartment. On my way out I grab a few pieces of fruit to eat at my desk. Since I don’t get up at any particular time, I don’t go into work at any particular time either. For instance, today I wound up at work an hour early. In the car I call my parents and chat for a few moments. It takes me 12 minutes to get to work. Once I arrive at work, any hope of routine goes out the window.



Why do we follow routines? Is it easier for us? Clearly, there are some things that I do in the morning that I could probably cut out. I won’t change it though. Routines are comfortable. Even the biggest risk takers crave some level of consistency. For me it just seems like the only sensible way to start off each day. Each day is a gift, it would be a crime to not start it off properly.

The Look of Love

What is love?  Well, firstly, it's a word.  A four letter word.  Its meaning is responsible for the building of empires, the starting of wars, the deconstruction of teenage personality.  There have been sonnets, books, songs, films, paintings, and sculptures built to the testament of love.  It means something different to everybody.

Falling in love is, initially, much like getting punched in the stomach.  It takes you completely off guard, and leaves you incapable of doing much of anything else.  Total sensory overload.  It's wonderful.  Suddenly, it's like everything is right in the world, like all positive energy has aligned to fire a bolt of joyous passion into your heart.  The man in love feels alive.  Why?  Let's first look at the mutual love route:

When two people are in love there is a bond -- a strong bond.  The level of caring that each person has for the other is so strong that, in many cases, they would gladly do things that they never would consider doing for anybody else.  The needs of the other get put before the needs of their own.  To accompany this selflessness is the trust that the other person would return the favor.  Each stands as a rock for the other.  Looking into your love's eyes allows you to peer deep into their soul, to really feel like one with them.  A team, complete, and ready to take on the world.  It's glorious.

There is also unrequited love.  It has been around for just as long and has made as large of an impact on society as the previous.  For instance, the sonnet above deals with the anguish of unrequited love and the writer's desire to hold onto his feelings despite knowing that it won't yield what he has in his dreams.  But isn't that what love is?  Isn't part of love holding steadfast to your feelings no matter what?  From reading the sonnet, I think the writer would still be willing to die for his love.  This shows that the power of love has as much, in this case more, of an effect on the giver as the receiver.

Love is special in that it can attach itself to both positive and negative feelings.  For instance, new love makes a person feel excited, motivated, confident while losing love can make someone feel, guilty, angry, depressed.  It doesn't change the love.  Love is like a well, it is the deepest of feelings.  The other feelings are like the water in the well.  The level may go up and down and the fluid may change -- constant fluctuation.  But being that the well is made of stone it, like love, never changes; it is stronger than that.

We agree that love is wonderful, special, and powerful. Which so much potential, that must mean that love can't always be easy. It takes strength and perseverance. John Lennon said, "We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it." He really hit the nail on the head there. Love can be such a comfortable feeling that it is easy to take for granted. Love isn't a right or an expectation, love is a gift; it should be treated that way. If you handle love with respect, chances are you feel fulfilled. However, if you disrespect love, you should expect to feel its wrath.

I hope I've done an okay job thus far explaining the depth and power of love.  Now I'd like to look at when we are in love.  Love can't be taken lightly.  It is leaps and bounds stronger than almost every other brain function.  Everybody wants it, so when do we get it?  Love doesn't ask questions.    Love doesn't knock on your door and politely ask to come in for tea.  Love breaks down your door when you are least expecting it and demands your participation.  For the high school sweethearts married for 60 years, this is awesome.  But what about our sonnet writer?  Is it awesome for him knowing that he must live alone with these feelings?  I think so.  If he could erase these feelings from his head would he?  I doubt it.  Even though it must hurt him, he is still able to experience these feelings, deeper and stronger than any other.  

We have the happily married high school sweethearts enjoying their twilight years together, and we have the sonnet author holding onto his love despite its lack of external return.  Both cases steeped in fortitude.  So does this mean that the middle school kids who exchange the word while holding hands in the cafeteria mean it?  Probably not, but maybe.  Love doesn't know age limits.  Still it's always bothered me that people throw around the word.  I don't think it's fair to love.  You don't love 100 people in a lifetime.  You don't even love 10.  I believe the answer is closer to 1.  If you meet somebody and fall in love, your desire, connection, attraction, and trust for them becomes greater than for any other person.  Such a magical feeling is impossible to replicate.  Everybody but your love seems to be an insignificant being.  How then are you expected to feel so strongly about somebody else?  I believe in soul mates.  Once you find them, it's the end of the road.  That is the one you love.  Everybody else equates to settling.  

We often hear, "all you need is love" and "love conquers all."  Does it?  Mostly.  If you are truly in love, it will give you tremendous strength which is good because it requires tremendous strength to lay every fiber of your being on the line for somebody else.  Love will NEVER fail you, but you may fail love, and you may fail the one you love.  I said previously that love was stronger than almost every brain function.  While in love you believe in it completely.  So where can the failing come from?  Simple:  if you don't believe in yourself.  Self doubt will make you question the validity of your own feelings and desires.  This is why it is critical to use love as your guiding compass.  Love is true, truer than anything else.  If you are in love never let your mind doubt it.  Never let anything wedge itself between love and your perception of reality.  Love doesn't play those games and neither should you.  Believe it.

What have we learned?  Love is a gift.  Love is strong.  Love is precious.  Love can be hard.  Love can make us feel everything on the emotional spectrum.  Love comes like a thief in the night. 

 I hope all of you have the chance to fall in love.  

Mind, mood, and meditation

The mind is a funny thing.  It is an extremely power tool.  The ability to reason and feel is something that gives us a competitive edge against computers.  The mind is limitless in its power.  As we all know:  with great power comes great responsibility.  We must control our mind, harness its power to work for us.  This is where willpower comes in.  We must use self control to control our mind which in turn controls our actions.  Yet, self control is a function of the brain.  So really that means the brain must fight with itself to carry out the controller (person)'s intentions.  That doesn't sound too easy does it?  I wouldn't call myself smart, but I do excel in scholarly pursuits (pompous sounding right?).  I also notice that my mind seems to constantly be in high-speed mode.  For instance, if I can't think of where I know an actor that I saw on TV, I will not be able to rest until I figure out the answer.  I can't just turn it off. My brain often seems tired.  I also feel the need to over-analyze EVERYTHING.  I can't take things for face value.  My mind is always chipping away at walls hoping to find some more information hidden behind.  This certainly gives me a competitive advantage when trying to learn.  Its a trait that also lends itself well for critical thinking. Unfortunately, like everything good, it has its downsides.  The fast paced mind as always moving at its critical velocity.  At any point it can trip over itself and wipe out.  Total loss of control.  It's almost as if the brain bypasses the normally strong critical thinking mode and makes decisions based on a quick impulse.  This can cause major problems.  Therefore, it is very important to try to slow the mind as much as possible.  Developing mental patience (part of willpower) may be a struggle, but it is critical for our well being.

The mind also serves as one of the main contributors to our mood.  Mood can be controlled by our actions.  If we exercise willpower and don't eat the second piece of cake, we may find ourselves feeling satisfied and proud.  If we let ourselves down we may feel anger and guilt.  I've been thinking a lot lately about trying to control mood.  I'd like to be able to perform some brain function that would override my feelings.  I think that using external stimuli is one of the best approaches.  After listening to Nick Drake's Pink Moon I find that my excitement level has died down (this is good as I often make more mistakes when I am happy and excited.  I let my guard down).  Listening to the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" or Queen's "Too Much Love Will Kill You" when I am missing the one I love makes me feel even more lonely than before.  When I am feeling particularly lousy, I listen to classical music to pump myself up.  Dvorak's "Water Goblin" and Holst's "Mars the Bring of War" seem to be very effective at returning my focus. The real trick it to be able to do this without anything external.  Again, this takes willpower.

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night (gives me plenty of time to write in this blog).    There are two types of nightmares:  the traditional type that you wake up from and think, "Gee, I'm glad that's over." and the type where you are having a wonderful dream and wake up to realize that  you were just dreaming and that reality isn't anywhere close to that nice.  I've been getting a lot of both lately.  After these nightmares, my mind is racing far too much to sleep.  It's very uncomfortable.  So far it has pretty much meant that regardless of when I wake up, I am up for the day.  This starts to take its toll after a few weeks of getting up at 2-4AM.  I've tried calming my mind, but nothing works.  At first I was just going out driving, but this isn't the best way to deal with things.  I now find prayer and meditation to be effective methods.  I've always prayed pretty consistently, but now it seems that the way I do it is changing.  Despite the fact that repeating pre-written prayers does a good job of keeping your mind clear (like a mantra), I am rather enjoying the conversational style of praying where you just seem to be talking and expressing yourself.  This has been very helpful.  When I've prayed in the past, I've never really asked for anything.  I figured that I've been blessed enough and it would be rude to ask for me.  I'm asking now and it feels surprisingly good.  I feel less alone and that helps me sleep.  I've also tried meditation.  Okay, I don't really know anything about meditation.  I've really just been repeating the same line in my head over and over as fast as I can hoping that it blocks other thoughts out.  I'd like to thank George Clinton and Funkadelic for the line, "freedom is free of the need to be free."  I say it a lot.  I probably should have picked something that wouldn't be such a tongue twister but oh well -- it works.

Optimism, pessimism, and the pesky glass containing 50% water and 50% air

People often discuss whether someone is more the "glass half full" or "glass half empty" type.  We live in a society where it is easy to thrive on negative energy.  We encounter plenty of negative people in our day to day adventures.  But we discover just as many folks who are filled with joy.  We would expect that the more upbeat person would be more content, but is that really true?  Let's first look at the optimist.

The optimist seems to walk with more spring in his step than his negative counterpart.  The world is his.  When the chips are down, he is convinced that he will have the winning hand.  I don't believe that this is a bad way of looking at things.  There is less stress on any given day.  When adversity rears its head, the optimist stands tall, like a sword drawn captain on an attacking flagship.  For a long time I believed that I could beat anything that I had to face.  I'd be victorious in every situation.  I could dig myself out of the deepest hole.  Let's be honest.  This isn't true.  We find ourselves in situations that we must admit failure on.  It happens to everybody.  When the optimist fails, it is a crucial blow to his ego.  His world rocks back and forth making it difficult to keep his eyes fixed on the horizon.  I believe that a great deal of depressed people are optimists who have been struck down.

The pessimist has a different way of looking at things.  Generally he expects failure.  When faced with adversity, failure is a suitable outcome.  When he admits failure he thinks to himself, "Oh well, I figured that's how things would go."  He isn't much worse off.  However, when he triumphs over adversity he thinks to himself, "Holy cow!  I can't believe this!"  He is filled with happiness, more so than the triumphant optimist.  Some could argue that this is the better outlook -- less disappointment, more satisfaction from victory.  The downside to this approach is that the pessimist   can most often be found staring at his shoes as he makes his way from place to place.  Despite being immersed in a world full of vibrant beauty the pessimist misses most.  His one word answers bore those who interact with him.  Yet, I don't think he is depressed in many cases.  In fact he may find himself more content than the optimist.  Life may pass by in a haze but there aren't as many obstacles for the pessimist as the optimist.  Lower quality of life, but steady.

Crossover?  Sure.  I think many adopt pessimism in the spiral down from optimistic glee to depression.  At the same time, when luck turns around and things start going in their favor, many pessimists may begin the journey towards the optimistic lifestyle.  If one is to get stuck in any lifestyle, I would venture to say that optimism is best.  Optimism gives us the strongest chance at succeeding in our ventures.  We just have to be strong enough to stand tall and take that chance.

But me, as an engineer, would simply say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My grandfather clock, the passing of time, and the consequence of actions.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I spent a few moments watching the grandfather clock that sits by my front door.  It's been in the same spot more or less in all five places that I've lived.  It was ticking away when my parents brought me home from the hospital. It was ticking away for the each and every first day of school. It's seen me happy and sad.  It's watched me laugh and it's watched me cry.  It's watched me come home after great successes and triumphs.  It watched as I once almost put my head through it after a counter productive night at the bar shortly after my 21st birthday.  It's watched me come home full of despair after failing myself and others.   I'd run passed the clock to greet my dad when he would return from any given long trip in the big 747.  It watched me trudge through the front door after my grandmother's funeral.  It saw the smile on my face and my confident stride when I found greatness beyond my comprehension.  It observed the guilt on my face when I made the biggest mistake of my life.  It hasn't ever told me anything; it hasn't judged me.   It saw me last night, however I am now, observing it.

Throughout my life the clock has done one thing -- ticked.  The hands have moved forward.  It's stopped sometimes when I've forgotten to wind it.  It's never moved backwards (except when I have to push the hands out of the way of the winding holes but we won't really count that).  Time moves forward without exception. One must understand that given a finite amount of ticks, it is imperative to use them wisely.  As soon as each one passes there is no way to get it back.  The actions one takes during a few ticks will set the scene for the future.  They are not independent.  I, like most of I suppose, wish that it wasn't a linear path forward from tick to tick.  If we were able to sail on time, we would be able to do many things -- put a year's worth of action into a single tick, alter passed ticks, cruise to the future.  We know that we can't do this. We can't go back in time.  I would give anything to be able to be able to spin the hands on my grandfather clock back a few weeks and see the time reverse.  I can't.  We do good things, we do bad things.  Everybody makes mistakes, some bigger than others.  I think that one of the defining qualities in the integrity of a man is the ability to live with mistakes.  It's not easy.  Sometimes we do things that keep us up at night.  Things we may never forgive ourselves for.  Impulses made in a few ticks, in the heat of the moment, in fear, in frustration.  Once actions are made, once the clock ticks, there is no way to go back.  The good thing is that there are, hopefully, many more ticks to come in life.  There is no definition to those ticks yet.  Anything can happen in that time.  The best thing we can do is to try our best to control what we do in those ticks and let everything else fall into place.  Ultimately we only have control of our time sphere.  Its foolish to expect any more.  But, friends, that means that we are all so very responsible for our actions.  After our actions, we lose responsibility.  We can only hope that we've done right. We cannot deny what we've done.  We can only try to do the right thing going forward.  It isn't always easy but it is all that we can do.

Once, my grandfather clock stopped working.  At first it seemed to chime at the wrong times, things  progressed and then it finally stopped working.  We had to get a clock guy in to work on our grandfather clock.  He had to open up its insides and clean out the grime that had built up over 20 or so years. Isn't our life like that?  A clock is useless to man if it doesn't run.  Without its insides being in prime working condition,  it can't help others.  When we have problems, when we have grime built up inside of us, we become incapable of really sharing with others.  It's easy to fall into these pits.  In a fast paced, judgmental society it is often difficult to share our problems.  We hold them in, hanging on in quiet desperation.  This isn't healthy.  We become black clouds, wasting our precious ticks and hurting those who love us.  It is so very important that we look inside and purge ourselves of our problems so that we do not let them ooze out and affect our loved ones.  When we've messed up, large or small, the first place we need to look is inside.  It isn't right, or fair to yell and scream our problems to others until we've searched ourselves -- fixed ourselves.  True, it may often require the help of others to do this, but that first step is look for the grime inside of ourselves.   No matter how it got there, it is ours, our decisions are ours, and we must accept this responsibility.  Nobody else can spend our ticks, nobody can get them back for us.  Therefore we must clean our insides, and watch with vigilance for the return of the grime.  If we do this, we can hope with glint optimism that our remaining ticks may lead us to our own promised lands.

I never thought I'd ever learn so much from staring at a clock.

Album of the Year: 1980's

1980:  Seconds of Pleasure - Rockpile



Seconds of Pleasure was the culmination of work by the Nick Lowe (Cruel to Be Kind) and Dave Edmunds (I Hear you Knockin') session band.  Despite playing on many Lowe and Edmunds records, Rockpile only released this one album under their own name.  Featuring both original compositions and covers, Seconds of Pleasure unleashed a brand of Welsh rockabilly matched by none.

1981:  Computerwelt - Kraftwerk



Kraftwerk's 1981 classic is a sure sign of the world's optimism concerning the future of computers.  With songs like "Pocket Calculator" and "Computer Love" we can imagine Louis Skolnick  and Gilbert Lowe oscillating wildly...and frankly.... what could be better than that?

1982:  Pornography - The Cure



Pornography is one of the 3 best cure albums (imo).  It starts off dark and gets darker.  Each of the songs are long enough to let the listener to sink into some sort of a trance.  A great accompaniment to 3 Imaginary Boys and The Head on the Door.

1983:  Holy Diver - Dio



Dio hit home with this one.  "Stand Up and Shout " "Holy Diver," "Rainbow in the Dark."  This record is ALL that 80's metal could ever hope to be.  We lost Dio way too soon and this is as good of a remembrance as any.  That being said, the "Holy Diver" music video may be one of the silliest ones in MTV history.

1984:  Ocean Rain - Echo and the Bunnymen



One of the BEST albums ever made.  Ian and the boys are able to bounce back and forth between upbeat, albeit reverb soaked, songs and songs in the complete opposite direction.  Sadly Echo never had the commercial success that many of their "Post Punk" contemporaries.  Luckily Donnie Darko introduced many younger listeners to their biggest hit, "The Killing Moon," which can be found on this record.  Overall, I would say that the title track is my favourite, followed closely by "Nocturnal Me."  This album will not let you down.

1985:  Tim - The Replacements



A great alternative album.  Remembered mostly for "Bastards of Young," Tim is a nice angsty album with some good guitar work.  My favourite track is "Waitress in the Sky."

1986:  The Queen is Dead - The Smiths



The Smiths' crowning achievement is most certainly The Queen is Dead.  From start to finish, the band delivers finely crafted music by Johnny Marr and haunting lyrics by the great Morrissey.  Despite all of the songs having some sort of bizarre basis, most listeners are able to identify with what the narrator (Mozz) is singing about.  This album is perfect.  Everybody deserves to hear this album at least once.

1987:  Darklands - The Jesus and Mary Chain



Another great new wave record.  The Jesus and Mary chain was able to pull off the reverb fueled sound of The Bunnymen while being able to keep the lyrics a "little" more positive. "Happy When it Rains" is a classic and all of the other songs hold up just as well.  It has always puzzled by why these guys were not able to maintain the same longevity as some of their counterparts.

1988:  Surfer Rosa - The Pixies



Surfer Rosa is another great one.  Produced by Steve Albini (of Big Black fame), this record harnesses the raw sound of The Pixies, (i.e. "Bone Machine").  Thanks to Ablini's concept of having an album with a lot of studio banter we get some pretty funny, but slightly forced, commentary between band mates (Buy me a soda?).  I rather like "Gigantic" and "Broken Face."

1989:  Bleach - Nirvana



Not much going on in 1989.  It was more or less a toss up between this and The Pogues.  This is my favourite of the Nirvana albums.  It's nice and heavy and showcases Cobain and Novoselic's talent for playing fast and loud (Grohl didn't play on this one).  "Negative Creep" is certainly a great song to listen to before playing hockey or anything else that requires you to beat the crap out of other people.  I just wonder how Cobain didn't permanently lose his voice singing on this album.